Momma Kitten on My Journey to Finding Joy

It just wasn't meant to be

2011-09-18T08:47:00.003-04:00

So as I sit down here to write, I can't really find the words that truly describe how I feel about these past couple of months.

We started the process to buy a house back at the very end of July. I have heard horror stories about dealing with the underwriters, and the banks with this process, and how much it stinks. I didn't think it was going to be close to ripping our family apart like trying to buy a house last year did. It became all to clear to me what needed to be important in our lives, and if that meant having one another in a small, tiny, itty bitty house, then that is ok with me. I have been getting some great ideas from people who truly live in tiny houses. We were all packed up and ready to move when I had called it quits on the 8th of this month. We have been slowly unpacking since then. It just hurts to know you put your all into something, and then you have to back out because your loan officer can not fulfill their word. So, we are signing a new lease here, but only for months. In April, we will start looking for a larger house to rent, and plan on staying there for a good while.

We are going through boxes, getting rid of the things that we don't need/want. Selling what we can, but also donating what doesn't sell. It is hard for me, especially when I go through clothes to not want to save everything. I look at it and say, I can re-purpose that, or ohh, it would look great as a fruit/veggie bag. So I am being careful on what I keep. We are trying to live a little more simply. We will see how it goes.

Coming out of hiding...

2011-08-17T07:24:00.004-04:00

So, I am way over due to write a post. It doesn't seem correct that I have not written since December, but I looked back into my archives, and noticed I had started multiple entries, but I never hit Publish Post to any of them. I believe it is because I am always afraid to say something that I shouldn't post for the world to see, but when I sit back and think about it, the whole world can see my life if they really want to look into the windows of this boring house that is always in disarray. So, here it is world...

We initiated quite a big purchase a few weeks ago, it is a 5 bedroom, 3 bath house. It is located in North Avondale, it is conveniently only 2 blocks from Adam's Montessori school. It is on a corner lot, there is a detached garage, and a fairly large basement. There is an extra room off of the dinning room that will become a toy room for the twins, the kitchen is awesome. Plenty of counter space (which we have never had), and a lot, I do mean a lot of cabinet space. The yard, oh the yard! Being a corner lot, it has an amazing amount of space in the yard. Plenty of room for gardens for vegetables, flowers, and even Kyle's hops.
This is a side view of the house, but you can get the idea of how large the house truly is!

On other fronts, Adam started back to school yesterday. He is in the 6th grade this year. He started at the Montessori school last May when he tested in. We were very unhappy with the way his other school was lacking in homework, and over all communication with us, so, we switched.

Kyle has taken the summer off of school, but he will be returning in a little over a month to finish off his last quarter. After that, we will see where the good Lord takes us!

I too took the summer off of school, and I plan on returning in the fall. I am not too sure on if I will be returning early or late fall due to buying the house, and moving.

The twins have been seeing a new doctor, she is in the psychology department at Childrens. She has done a wonderful job at helping us with alternative ways to parent and discipline the twins. Honestly, it is working out well. They still have days (like today) when they wake up and are just generally in a destroying mood. But, all in all we have been able to enjoy them a little more each day that passes. Once we move, and they have more room to run, I am certain that things will settle down.

Boring. Things are pretty much boring around here. There is a lot going on, but it is all boring mundane things. So if you stay tuned for the next post, I would be surprised ;)

Dear Friends and Family

2010-12-21T22:35:00.002-05:00

Dear Family and Friends, December 2010

Last year we got busy and did not have time to write a Christmas letter, and oversight for which many of you are undoubtedly thankful. This year, we are making another effort so that you will not become complacent. (Remember, though, that you can always avoid having to read our letter by the simple expedient of moving away.)

The twins have been doing a lot of exploration (destruction) this year. Nathaniel and Aiden celebrated their third birthday in October. Being three years old is a big difference from being two. Three year olds have no sense of future, which means that you don’t have to advertise the event in advance. A three year old has it figured out WAY ahead of time and expects treatment appropriate to his exalted status. The birthday party itself was a wonderful quaint experience for all who came.

Earlier in the year we decided to take an adventure and move away to Florida. As you can see our return address is still in Cincinnati, it is not because we vacation here for the winter, Florida was a bust. Upon realizing the house that was supposed to be flipped professionally, was barely flipped at all. There were little critters that did their best to eat us out of home, and I am not talking about the twins, we were able to correctly identify them as a wood burrowing ant. If you have not had your house inspected, we highly recommend the experience.

Early in the summer we transported ourselves back to Ohio, the best decision we have made all year. After playing musical houses, we settled down in Clifton, near the gaslight district. Our house is tucked away in a little wooded area, and we have plenty of wild life. A white squirrel, some deer, and a cute little skunk, whom we have not formerly meet, thank the stars. Kyle is able to walk to school, Kat’s school is only a 2 minute drive, and Adam is the lucky one with an hour bus ride to and from school. But it is a small price to pay for him, since he was accepted into the college prep school that we were hoping for. The twins have not started pre-school yet, but they will once the New Year begins. With the new found obstacles that we have to face with the boys, we were trying to wait until we were settled in and comfortable again with our new schedules. Kat started working outside of the home at the end of August, while Kyle now goes to school and takes care of the kiddos. Kyle is rounding his last year of school, and Kat has a few years ahead of her. Kyle will become a historian, and Kat will be a sign language interpreter. We believe the twins will become artists, seeming as if they like to try out most every writing utensil on their bedroom walls. We have suggested that perhaps they would rather spend some time on the phone with their broker.

Adam has been spending time with his nose deep in his books, and fingers light on the keyboard playing his computer game (he has advanced to a level seven in DDO, you should be jealous). With the new found love of dragons and mystical things, Adam is on cloud nine with the selection of books at the library, and he is able to relate more to his computer game. While the school work is getting harder, he is getting more and more advanced with each week that goes by. He never ceases to amaze me in the knowledge that he retains.

All of us have decided that in the future when we want to go on an adventure and move again, we will be taking the in-laws, and our beloved Katie with us. It was a lot harder being away from everyone than we thought, May the season bring you a happy heart, and a full cookie jar!

Kyle, Kat, Aiden, Nathaniel, and Adam

I never really had the hang of this...

2010-12-21T22:27:00.002-05:00

Blogging thing. I have been so bad at jotting notes down to add to this, heck even to just remember things. But, I am going to do my best to blog more frequently. I have to say, it really doesn't feel like Christmas is this Saturday... I have not been in the spirit at all. Is it because I have not been to church in months? Is it because I am thinking too much about my mom lately? Or could it be that I am secretly wishing I was still in Florida soaking up rays? Maybe it is all of the above and then some. But here it goes.... I am on the horse again, so you get to read my verbal vomit... I know... Oh joy!

Feeling a little off... Trying to look up

2010-09-19T18:34:00.003-04:00

You know. I have been trying to be optimistic... It is pretty hard with everything that has been going on since we left here and went to Florida, and then came back within 2 1/2 months (Yes I know I have not completely filled everyone in on that one... sorry). Life is so different. The kind of different I don't like. Things have changed too much, my marriage, my children, my friends, my church. That is the biggest for me. But how do I tell the man who has been given a calling that I am not getting my Sunday dose of JC the past 3 1/2 months since I have been back? I feel so distant from everyone at church, and I know it has a lot to do with my lack of participation. I feel distant from everyone to be perfectly honest. I feel as if I still live in Florida, but I get to see everyone, but I feel they don't see me. Maybe I am being a little childish, but I just feel so out of place now. Almost like an outsider.

I am starting work in a week. I so need to get out of this house! I need to feel like an adult again. I need to feel like I am contributing to the household. But I also want to make sure that I am keeping my work life as work life, and my home life as home life. I start school again in November... I need to do this for me.

Another thing I am doing for me, is I started doing the P90 workout and diet. It is pretty extensive, and I am looking forward to seeing results. The worst part of it all, was after I took the before pictures, I had to look at them.... WHOA! I am really looking forward to my 90 day pictures... heck even the 30 day ones. But, I need to work on my inside to reflect the outside... I am such a work in progress...

SO much to post about, will you even read it all?

2010-07-23T21:49:00.004-04:00

xWOW! It has been way too long. SO the last time I blogged, it was about us moving to Florida. Well, we moved to Florida at the beginning of April, and then we moved back to Cincinnati the 3rd week of June. Here is the wonderful story around that.

We moved down to Florida so the family could have an adventure, and for schooling for Kyle and I. Plus, why not have beautiful beaches, and the bay within minutes of the house? We found a steal of a house, that had been flipped. It was in a historical district, cobble stone streets, there was a lake that was across the way from us that even had an alligator in there for viewing (they fed him every morning). The birds that flew around the lake day in and day out we exotic, and beautiful, and the noise that they made in the morning was not disturbing, but it filled me with joy just knowing we were having an adventure.

Some of the neighbours were just as kind as they could be. But, there were also the neighbours that I called Tampa police on at least 5-6 times a week. The house that they would sit in front of could be seen outside of my kitchen window. Drug deals would be made right out in plain sight. No one would think twice about it. No one cared. I cared. This was a wonderful town that we had moved into, and yes, there were some houses that were run down, but those houses were being turned around slowly but surely. But I was not going to sit back, and watch these hoodlums run the streets by selling drugs to every Joe that walked, biked, or drove down the street. Adam (my oldest) would walk home from school by the lake (honestly taking the long way off the bus to get just a little extra time away from the twins) and he would see them across the street smoking pot, or making another buck. He is not stupid, he new what was going on. So after having enough calls from me, Tampa police finally got me in contact with their drug line, and every time I would see an interaction, I would take down the licence plate number, or description of the person selling and the person buying. Tampa was not able to sit an undercover anywhere, because the sellers and buyers would always have watch outs, and then it would get back to the house, and activity would stop. So once they got enough information from me, they were able to shut them down, and there was a large bright orange sign on the house that said something to the effect of This is an active drug house, and anyone who can not show proof of residency will be arrested on spot. It made me feel really good to know that I shut down a drug house. I was not going to let that happen right outside of my house. But this was the least of our worries.

We visited the beach twice. Once we went to the dog beach. I believe it was the 2nd week we were there. Emma Jean really liked it, but the boys were not too sure about the water and sand, it was pretty cold, and with there being dogs I couldn't really blame them. We went on a separate trip with just the two legged family members, and we had a blast! We made a day of it. We went early in the day, and went swimming for quite a while, played in the sand, and had lunch. Looked for some shells, played with the sea sponges that washed up on the beach, and then we went home. It was the best mothers day I could of ever had.

At the end of April we got our new puppy Benton. We were at a dog fair looking for a dog that was bigger than Emma Jean, not a puppy, and one that did not have pit bull in his description. We walked into the expo, and it started right inside the gates, there were some vendors, and the Humane Society was there as well, inside there were TONS of vendors and other rescues. When we walked in the gates, we saw a few cute dogs, and hen we walked past Benton, and Emma perked up, and they did some circles around one another, we looked at his info, we found out that he was 11 months old, and that he was pit bull/hound mix. But he looked just like Emma Jean, there was no way he had pit in him, that was for sure. But he was the same size as Emma, 50 lbs. We had already told ourselves, that we didn't want a puppy. We decided to go inside and look at all of the other vendors. I don't think I have ever seen so many dogs in one place ever! We found a few dogs that we liked, but either they didn't get along with Emma or vice versa. Emma is the type of dog that she is either really likes the dog, or she hates it. Toward the end we found this HUGE dog, but it was at the pit rescue. His name was Boss. Him and Emma were pretty iffy with one another, and we took them outside and tried to walk them alone, and side by side. But it just was not going to happen. So we chalked the trip up to a fun time out as a family, getting to meet many animals that will eventually be wonderful members of other peoples families. As we walked out, I said "You know what, why don't we see if Benton is still here?". Just then, Emma pulled me forward and was wagging her tail, and low and behold, there was Benton. It was meant to be. If it was not for the age difference I would swear they were litter mates. They are happy as clams together. He is still not completely potty trained, he walks better on a leash than Emma, he eats like a horse, and he is the 8th member of our family (Kyle, the 3 boys, the turtle, the dogs, and I).

We decided to become a greener family when we moved to Florida. We only used the reusable bags at the grocery store, library, etc. We started to grow our own herbs in a window garden. We only bought our fruits and vegetables locally. We rode our bikes everywhere. Kyle most of all was able to take part in this. He was only 2 miles away from work, and we only had the one car, so he would ride his bike to work rain or shine. It saved us on gas, and it allowed me to have the van if I needed it. We reduced our waste by half. We recycled 3 times more than we had before. We would use reusable bags at the fruits and veggie stands so we wouldn't have plastic bags. Turned off our lights if we were not using them. Kept our air conditioner at 78. We started using all natural cleaning products, as well a toiletries. The same with our napkins, papertowels, and even the babies diapers. They were all unbleached, and as natural as we could get them. Kyle and I were drinking shakes in the morning, we were taking vitamin B-12, the twins were taking their vitamins, as well as Adam. I know there are a lot of other things, I just can not remember them all right now. But overall, we were trying to do our part as much as we could.

Now to the house. We found the house from our 2nd Realtor. We had two Realtors for different perspectives, and different houses. The first one, Monique was very sweet, younger and she had worked with us pretty well, but also told us that we would not find anything in the areas that we wanted to live in within our price range. The second Realtor, Evelina told us that we would not find anything for under 150k. Kyle wanted more of the historical districts because of the older trees, and well the history, and I wanted to live in the newer developed houses, but that were within the older towns. So when we went down, we took the first two days to take in the town and look at the houses we had on our lists on our own. Oh my. There were parts of Tampa that I would not even wish my worst enemy to live in. On Saturday we met up with Monique and went to the houses that were on her list for us to see. Some were in the areas that I would like to live in, and there were a few that Kyle would like as well. Most of them were not in our price range, and the ones that were, well one of them literally had a swamp in the backyard, and the other was in Suburbia hell. Since we didn't find anything that we could honestly call home that was on her list, at the end of the day, we told her that we would look over the list again, and we would get back to her. The very next day, Sunday, we had to meet with Evelina at 8am and start our day with her. She too had her long list of houses to go and look at. The first house that we went to go and look at, we got off at the Floribraska exit, and I told her that we had looked at a house off of this exit, and we had already ruled this neighborhood out, even though it was a historical neighborhood. She said that we needed to keep an open mind, she found a couple who have been flipping houses in this neighborhood for the past couple of years, and there is a house that she really wants us to see. So we went to the house, it was only two blocks off of the exit. We pull up to the house, it was cute. 5 bedroom, 1 bath. 85k. Right in our price range. We walked through the house, the bathroom and the kitchen were all Ikea, and there was tile all throughout, except for in the bedrooms there was carpet. The yard was all fenced in, and it was what we were looking for. The neighborhood was just not optimal, but there were cobble stones streets, two palm trees in the yard, and oak trees all around. It was 5 min from the Bay, 15 min from the beach, 5 min from downtown, and well prime location. The school that Adam would be going to was not a great school, but he would have been able to go to the magnet school after summer break, so he would only have 6 weeks of school at the public school. So we told the home owner that we would take all of the information and let him know toward the middle of the week if we had an answer. We went and looked at the other houses, there were one or two that I think that we liked, but we kept comparing them to the first house. We knew we had talked ourselves into that house by the time we had got back to the hotel at the end of the day. We called out Realtor the next day, and told her to get the papers going. It was our last day in Tampa, so we got manicures, and pedicures, and massages. We also had a great dinner. We left to come home early the next morning, and to get our house packed up, and ready to move our lives to Florida in less than a month.

To be continued...

Movin on up.

2010-02-08T12:04:00.002-05:00

So the dates have been moved up.... We are going down next week to look for houses. We are going from Feb 18-23. Oh will I be happy with 60 degree weather instead of 20 degree weather for that week! We really feel like we are being pushed out of this house. We have packed up everything that we need to pack up, other than what we need to live on. Can you tell that we are ready to go? I don't like the fact that we are having people waltz through our home, leaving snow and salt marks on the floors... I mop before they come so it looks nice, and for what? So they can track stuff all over them right afterward? GRRRR. We are just going to get a house that needs work. Kyle wants a house he can tinker on, do what we want to with it. Fix up the kitchen, bathrooms, bedrooms, and make it ours. So.... Sunny Florida here we come!

Moving along

2010-01-29T11:30:00.004-05:00

This is CLearwater, FL. This is about 30 minutes from Tampa, Florida. What does this have to do with us your thinking... well a lot. Our landlord called us last week and said that she wanted to put the house up for sale in the spring. Our lease is up at the end of June. So we have until then to find another place to relocate our family of 5 (8 if you include the dog, turtle and frog). Kyle is ready to find a new college, he is tired of dealing with UC, and he is tired of trying to get his teaching degree here in Cincinnati. I on the other hand am able to get my Interpreter degree no matter where we go. Kyle and I have done a lot of talking and some planning this past week as to where we should relocate. We have fallen on love with Tampa. Kyle really likes Tampa University, and I have even found a college (Hillsborough Community College), and their Interpreter program is a straight up 2 year program (72 credit hours, CS's is 112). We have also done a lot of research on the neighborhoods we would like to live in, the crime rates are low, the real estate values are low, but the houses are beautiful, the schools for the kiddos are great, the deaf community there is awesome. Plus who wouldn't love to be next to the beach! Also, today here it is 17, there it is 72....

It is going to be hard to move away from everyone, but we feel that this is something that we need to do for us. We need to be grown ups, and make grown up decisions. This being some of them. I am also excited that the fact that there is not an established Mommies network there yet... so I can start one as long as my application is approved! Great way for me to network and meet new friends for myself, Kyle and the boys. Finding a new church will be a hard thing to do, but searching and going to a few services at different churches will be nice, and finding the right fit for me will be a good experience. God will guide me to the right church.

I feel really good about this. Kyle and Adam do too. The twins are young enough to where they are not going to care, they are just going to be excited to have a house they can still run around in, and the beach will be a plus for them!

I will keep everyone updated on our journey!

Yeah! Party!

2009-11-26T11:19:00.002-05:00

There is nothing like a 5 day long party! Here is another one for you all! http://arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-5-of-our-blog-party.html

I hope that everyone remembers what they are truly Thankful for today.

In Him,

I love this blogging Party!

2009-11-25T07:00:00.001-05:00

This wonderful woman is having another day to party! There are so many things to celebrate, and here is another one, A family is working very hard to bring home a very cute little boy with severe CP. http://www.jeremiahspromisejohn1418.blogspot.com/

Here is the party: http://arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-of-our-blog-party.html

Another Party!

2009-11-23T22:19:00.001-05:00

I am so loving these parties, even if I don't win, to hear the stories, and to find the new blogs, and the items I am able to purchase to help out families is so awesome in itself!

http://arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-3-of-our-blog-party.html

Giveaway!!!

2009-11-23T21:58:00.001-05:00

Have you been to the blog party yet at http://www.arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/? It a party to celebrate family, and everyone loves to celebrate families, and I know you love to have parties!

Grateful

2009-11-21T17:47:00.002-05:00

Right along with Thanksgiving, can we just skip it all together this year? I have just not been in the spirit at all. When my favorite music station started paying non Christ bearing Christmas carols 2 weeks before Christmas, I just wanted to crawl in a dark hole until the day after Christmas. I have so much to be thankful for, but there are a lot of things plaguing me as well. My days are spent much differently now. I am running a pretty tight ship, but I feel like I am going to fall over board some evenings after the boys go to bed... Father, if I trust You for my eternal salvation, why don't I trust You for my daily needs? Instill in me the peace that comes from casting all my cares to You. Help me wake up to saying this is a new day, I am rejoicing it, and going to bed being grateful for the day that I have had with You, and with my family Father.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

2009-11-11T11:18:00.006-05:00

It has been over 2 months since Adam has picked up his guitar. Even when we said if you don't start practicing again, we will sell the guitar, and we will keep the profit. He jut shrugged his shoulders. His grades are great, he came home with straight A's on his report card, I wouldn't of thought he would get less, but he did. He hasn't been doing chores, which we had told him that if he didn't want to do chores, then he was not allowed to do the things that he was allowed to do when he was doing his chores. With responsibility comes flexibility in the fun stuff. He has regressed. I know why. We know why. It makes me sad. I know ways to change it... but it is the way I choose to change it I am not sure about.

God here I go again, I am placing this one, alongside my problems and flaws I have already placed in your large, loving, already heavy hands.

Matthew 11: 28-30 (28) Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (29) Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. (30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I need to repeat this verse in my head a lot lately. I also have been told that I need to be the window into God's world. It is just hard, when I feel like that window locked, there is duct tape on the windows so the panes won't shatter, and boarded up so my winds won't gush through. Thank you for telling me that though, thank you for giving me that push, and giving me the eyes to see that I need to be that window...you know who you are. I will keep my winds blowing like a hurricane, and I will break through.

Going Green take 2

2009-11-08T19:43:00.002-05:00

This past week has been a hit! I have been soda free! The rest of the house... well that will be a big step when they decide to join me on that wonderful part of this journey.

We have been using cloth napkins at dinner time. I have not had to replace the paper towel roll at all his past week, and it is only half gone, so that makes me happy.

I can honestly say that I LOVE to hang dry my clothes! It keeps me on my toes with my laundry! I have to plan the laundry out. I have to make sure I keep up on it, because it is not like I can just throw a load in the wash and then just dry it really quick (well I can, but I am choosing not to use the dryer, he is retired again).

Lights have been out! Everyone has been doing their part to make sure that the lights are turned off when they leave the room, or if we are eating dinner, the tv is off. It is nice.

As for driving... well there has not been much of that going on for me since my van is almost on it's way to the morgue unless my dear husband can figure what is going on with my engine. His Subaru is once again in his garage and being worked on until late hours of the night. The Jeep... well... it is "working".

Everyone is very much so doing their part to recycle like it's nobody's business!

Cold water is being used for washing, I am even thinking of making my own dishwashing liquid... but that is a whole new post!

I have not found the mesh bags for our veggies... so I am still on the hunt... I have found a few web-sites, but they are so pricey. So the ones we have had to use from the grocery, we are using to throw diapers away in.

So, so far so good! I am proud of myself, and my family! Carbon footprint, eat our dust!

Going green take 1

2009-11-01T23:54:00.000-05:00

So I have decided to take it upon myself to lighten the carbon footprint that my family is leaving. I have a list that I am starting, to improve our footprint... to make it slowly fade... I hope.

The biggest thing this weekend was cloth napkins. DH wasn't too sure about how I was going to keep up on it, but I am willing to give it 110%!

No soda. No soda for me at least, which means that I will not be omitting Co2 from all of the soda I would normally be drinking. http://www.breathingearth.net/

Hanging em up to dry! I have retired my dryer again, and boy is he happy! He will only be put to use when something needs fluffed, and that will be a rare occasion.

Turning off the lights when we leave the room, and making sure that the appliances are un-plugged if they are not being used, or they are on energy save.

I have put a bottle filled with water with some rocks in the bottom of the bottle, in the tank to my toilet to help conserve the water. It will help us save about 10 gallons a day in water just by me putting that bottle there.

Instead of driving over to get DH's coffee in the morning, I will be walking. The same with going over to Walgreens for anything that is needed, which is two blocks away.

My recycling has gone WAY up. I usually skimp, and if I get lazy and I don't want to wash out the can of soup or milk jug, I just toss it. Instead I am leaving it in the sink, and I do it when I do the dishes.

I have been using cold water in my wash instead of warm or hot water, and making sure that I always have a whole load of laundry to do instead of just 3/4 of a load.

No more plastic water bottles are going to be purchased for our household. We have quite a few reusable water containers, and those will be used, unless the older boys want to reuse their precious plastic water bottles.

No more, "Paper or Plastic?" I am sticking to using my bags. I paid for them, why not use them! If for what ever reason I have purchased so much at the store that day and I can not for everything into my 10 bags, well then I will use paper, since I can recycle them.

My next stop... I am looking for some mesh bags to put my fruits and veggies in to transfer from store to home, instead of using the plastic bags at the store... Any ideas on which website to start at?

You know...

2009-08-13T00:23:00.004-04:00

It has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot of tension here at the Wilkinson house. I can't say that it all even boils down to one thing.... because it doesn't. It is a massive mountain of things that I don't have the faith to move, but I am getting there piece by piece, problem by problem.

You know I haven't even written about Cub@. I haven't gone back and written anything in my journal. I don't know if it is fear of bringing up the emotions again, or if it is that I don't have those emotions anymore?

My husband and I? Where do I begin? We have been on rocks that are on top of that massive mountain.... those rocks have been slipping slowly for the last year or so, but these past few weeks it has been a landslide. On both ends there is no communication. We bottle it up like a stinky old lady perfume, and when we let it out it lingers behind for days. This last time, it was still lingering. But we are slowly picking up those rocks from that grandiose landslide, and forming a new mountain together. As individuals, and as one. That is one main thing that the both of us need to work on. We don't have any inkling on who we are anymore. When we first met, we were so different from now. Relient K has a song called "Who I am Hates Who I've Been", and it so explains me at this current moment. I don't like the fact that I have been trying to be this perfect house wife, and mother. Yuck. I don't even like that word anymore. Mother. It sounds too "grown up". Yes, yes I know. "Kathleen you are 27 you know." I do know. But I also know that "This is no place to try and live my life". Not where I am right now. Not the way I feel. I am not the same person I was back then, back before the twinkies breached the storm doors and invaded my body for those short 27 weeks and 6 days. After that they were so sick, and I was sick. Mentally and physically I was pulled in so many directions. Kyle and I had no idea what to do. I had my faith, but it was hard sometimes when things got rough. Then months down the line they were released from this, and safe from that. Slowly weight was lifted from our shoulders. Some of it. We now know, not all of it. The boys are now 21 1/2 months old. They still have things wrong. Some things are just developmental things, others are bigger problems. That is a whole different post for a whole different day.

Kyle and I, we are making big strides. Both of us have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. Bahh! Wouldn't you after propelling down this mountain together, snowballing and making the mess even bigger? Individually we have our own goblins that we are facing. He has had a lot go on in the past that he has been masking, and so have I. But the both of us have masked it in different ways. We both have become different people and we don't like the fact that we have become those people. Neither one of us has had a true identities in a long time.

Identity -
1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions: The identity of the fingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was the killer.
2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: He doubted his own identity.
3. condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is: a case of mistaken identity.
4. the state or fact of being the same one as described.
5. the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.
6. exact likeness in nature or qualities: an identity of interests.
7. an instance or point of sameness or likeness: to mistake resemblances for identities.

You know I didn't know that I don't have a true identity, until my husband and I talked about it at dinner a month or so ago. My husband is a wonderful man. I sometimes get intimidated when I get into conversations with him because of his big lofty words he uses. But that night, everything that he said to me, I heard. It all clicked. We clicked. It was amazing. By just talking we both found out (even though he has already know and been battling with it himself) that we share something very scary and annoying, but something that we can beat and come out on top together, and be an even better, wonderfully happy married couple afterward. Neither one of us have an identity anymore. I have not had one since I was 15 (when I first started dating my ex), and he said to be honest he is not sure when he lost his. So that is a big thing that we both are working on. Another, we never took the chance to become friends first. So now, we get the chance to be friends, learn more about one another, get all mushy and love each other more for our differences. I don't know about him, but I am excited! This past month I have been working up to write this post. I am not too sure on why it was so hard for me to write. But tonight I was ready to let it all out, get it all out, rip it out remove it (that one's for you Kevin). I am glad. My heart is getting happier by the day. What I am searching for is coming. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. - James 1:2-3

Cry Out to Jesus

2009-07-17T12:25:00.002-04:00

What a song. It hits home in so many ways. Yesterday was Praise Team practice. Well every Thursday we normally have Bible Study. The twinkies had not had a nap, and only 3 of us were going to be at study so we went ahead and called it off. Also on Thursday's Adam has guitar lessons with Matt up at church while we have our Bible study. Adam still wanted to go to lessons, and I had to go to Meijers, and Katie said she didn't mind hanging here with the twinkies. So off we went. Matt didn't realize he had double booked himself with Praise Team practice and Adam's lessons. So since not everyone was there for practice yet, Matt went ahead and started with Adam. Well, Adam has not been practicing. Honestly Matt and I both think it is because he is afraid that if he learns to play to fast, that he will be up playing in front of church, and Adam is not one to be in the spot light like that. He likes to act like he likes to be in the spot light, but he has trouble with the actual performing in the spotlight when it becomes serious. But yesterday they were trying out a couple new songs for praise team.... One happens to be Cry Out to Jesus. I love the lyrics to this song:

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely (when you're lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Chorus

The beginning before the first chorus just gets me, I usually can't even sing it. It reminds me so much of my mom. Each time I hear this song. Last night, to hear this song over the system when Kevin played it, I was fighting back the tears. I had not heard that song in the church before. I had left for a while to go and visit my aunt and uncle so that everyone could practice. When I got back, everyone was finishing up. Matt was talking to me about how both of the songs that they were working on last night were 4 simple chords and him and Kevin both think that Adam could play them if he practices and gets up to speed. What a way to serve our Father! So, if and when it comes to that day that Adam is up in front of the church playing for the Lord our Father, and he plays this song. You better believe that I will be singing my heart out with tears of joy, and I know that my momma will too. I love you Adam, and I know you can do it if you keep at it!

Not without Love

2009-06-27T00:08:00.002-04:00

Right now currently Jimmy Needham is on repeat on my Ipod. He has a way with words. Amazing way with words. He knows how to praise God for His goodness.

One of my favs, and it hits me everytime:

Not without Love: Benediction
I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
Certainly this isn’t breathing
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing
Like my heart quits beating
Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord
You died, Lord
Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn, the Father’s love song goes on
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her
So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only one thing that pleases the Father
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers
Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers
And I’m finally free in the love of the Father

Summer Goals

2009-06-26T19:16:00.002-04:00

Well seeming as if the first day of summer was on Father's Day... I am a little late on posting this....

Have a yard sale - in which we will get rid of about 3/4 of our house, actually it is all "junk".

Make a compost bin and keep it going until the end of summer and then re-evaluate.

De-clutter the attic - that will also help when we have the yard sale.

Clean basement completely - again yard sale = clean basement.

2 date nights a month for Kyle and I - nothing snazzy, but we need to get out of the house together without doing chores and errands.

2 nights a months for Adam and I just to hang out without Kyle and the boys, and Adam gets to pick what we do.

Tithe every week, big or small.

Keep on track with my chore list.

Spend more quality time with my family.

Cut down drastically on our grocery bill.

Pick a few things I might want to major in.

Be more in my Bible whether it is reading, or listening, or having Bible study.

Take a mini-vaca with the family.

Read 2 new books.

Exercise/walk 2 days a week.

Be more aware of what I am eating and try to eat healthier.

Get my new tattoo with my friend - you know who you are :)

Organize my mothers pictures into albums or boxes.

Get rid/sell her nic nacs, I am not going to use them.

Organize and "move" into the house that we have been living in for way over a year now.

Blog at least once a week on both my blog and the boys blog.

Email/write my Cub@ family twice a week at least.

I will most likely add to this list. This list is probably more than I can handle. That is why they are goals.

When I finish a goal.. I will make a random post and you will see only that goal posted and it will be ~~crossed out.~~

I knew this day would come...

2009-06-19T21:45:00.003-04:00

I was in the dinning room helping Adam with is summer homework, and I heard Nate crying which is normal especially this week he has been super cranky. Then it kind of got quit and then I heard him start screaming again. I went to quietly walk in the living room to look into their bedroom, and I noticed that the box fan that I had put on their dresser was off (now i know I had it on because today I decided to turn off the ac during the days to try and conserve some energy). Well I poke my head further around the corner, and I saw that the fan was unplugged.... well then I thought maybe it fell... nope it was still on the dresser.... that is when I saw the ball fly across the room.... Nate climbed out of his crib tonight when he was supposed to be taking his evening nap. I knew it was only a matter of time. Goodness so now, this weekend we have to go and buy toddler beds.

Oi, it has been forever it seems

2009-06-11T22:52:00.002-04:00

I am still alive everyone! I have just been busy. Actually that is just my way of saying I have been lazy. To be honest, on April 16th I became basically bedridden for almost a month. I had been battling a migraine that seemed to be the size of Russia. My previous PCP was not doing anything in the way of giving me any kind of relief, other than injecting me with a pain medication that only made me nauseous and dizzy. In turn, that made my migraine even worse. Finally after a little over 2 weeks she decided it time to refer me out to a neurologist. By that time I had decided it time find a new doctor. I am now seeing an amazing doctor whom within the first 5 min, not only asked me for my mother's medical records (since she had a history of migraines and also had a massive brain tumor upon her death), but he also personally made my neurology appointment. My neurologist ordered a mri and a mra scan, and both of those came back normal. SO he put me on two different medications to help dilate the blood vessels in my brain to keep the blood flowing so hopefully I will not run into having the migraines like I did during those gruling weeks. So... there will be more updates to come. I have plenty to tell. But for now, I am headed to bed :)

Resurrection Sunday

2009-04-13T01:12:00.002-04:00

So today (yesterday), was Easter Sunday. The day that we celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

This is what Wikipedia says the Easter Bunny is all about: "The Easter Bunny (or Easter Hare) is a mythical character depicted as an anthropomorphic rabbit. In legend, the creature brings baskets filled with colored eggs, candy and toys to the homes of children on the night before Easter. The Easter Bunny will either put the baskets in a designated place or hide them somewhere in the house for the children to find when they wake up in the morning. The Easter Bunny is very similar in trait to its Christmas holiday counterpart, Santa Claus, as they both bring gifts to good children on the night before their respective holiday." It was the ancient Roman Catholic church that mixed the celebration of Jesus' resurrection by celebrating spring fertility rituals, which is where the bunnies, chicks, and eggs come from. They did this to make Christianity more attractive to non-Christians.

It bothers me to read that. "They bring good gifts to good children on the night before their respective holiday." The boys grammie brought them baskets for Easter. Yes we did an egg hunt at my Uncle Fred's house. I think that these things are important for traditions, but my children and I will always know what Easter is really about. Jesus rose from the dead because he died for us on that magnificent cross so that we are promised an eternal life in Heaven if we accept Jesus as our Savior. If you haven't you should take some time and read 1 Corinthians 15. Verse 58 is a verse that I will repeat in my head until I go Home with my Father.

You can see the boys pictures from today on their blog

Mi hermano y hermana <3

2009-04-10T16:42:00.005-04:00

Iradies and Liliana are two of the most beautiful, spiritual, loving people I have "met". You might be wondering why met is in quotations... well I have not met them in person yet. I get to finally meet them in July! We correspond often, and every time I get a new letter I get so excited and I get an overwhelming warm feeling, that feeling is the passion and love that we share for our Father.

Te amo mi hermano y hermana!

{God's Blogs}

2009-04-05T22:18:00.002-04:00

I am adoring this book. I am almost done, and I have only set down twice in the past two days to read it (and you all know how busy my life is!).
With just finishing Reset, this book is a great continuance on that journey for me. It has reminded me that God truly wants us to know that He is our Daddy, and he cares about every aspect of our lives. Some of the "thoughts" that were written in the fiction blog were so funny I would laugh out loud for a few minutes after I read them. I can see God talking this way, to me, to you, to everyone He encounters. He is just as real as you and I are. Just because the old Bibles use the fancy words, doesn't mean we have to. God wants us to come as we are. Broken, tattooed, pierced, loved, scared, and humbled.

I am a sheep

2009-04-04T00:31:00.001-04:00

Yes, you might feel like "something" or "someone" is pushing religion or Christianity on you. It's because there is. God is always guiding you, talking to you, and bringing you to decision making points of your life. Whether or not you chose to have the "personal" relationship with your Father or not, the guiding, the whispering in your ears, and directing is still going to happen. He is bringing you to that place where you can decide whether or not you are going to accept or reject what he has been whispering in your ears. I understand that the whispering at times can sound like screaming, but it is because He wants you to truly hear Him not just bypass Him like usual. I bet you hear Him more when your with me because I have chosen to try and surround myself with Him. But you could also be hearing Him from many other people, places, and even signs. God is like a t.v. station. If you don't tune in to that particular station, you won't be able to know what He is saying to you, it will just be static and a black and white screen.

John 10:27 - My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me.

You need to learn to distinguish what you are hearing. You know what you are hearing, you are just afraid to hear it, you’re ignoring it. I pray that you can finally hear Him. I pray that you can follow Him. I pray that you understand that He is not just a man made deity. I pray that you can understand that this is me, coming as I am, a sheep. That will never change.

Mark Harris - One True God
From the album Windows And Walls

I don't have a God I can put on a stand
Or a God I hold in the palm of my hand
I have a God that's holding me
And I don't have a God that I can create
In the place I live with the money I make
I have a God, He made everything
So I don't need a temporary man made deity
When I got the real thing
I got the real thing

He's the Lord of all the earth
The maker of all things
He alone is the one true God
Kingdoms rise and fall
But even through it all
He remains
The one true God

I don't have a thing that I got on my own
I don't have a care that I carry alone
But I have a God who's carrying me
I don't have sin that He doesn't forgive
And I don't have a heart that is worthy of His
But I have a God who still loves me
So I don't need a temporary man made deity
When I got the real thing
I got the real thing

Who is this King of Glory
The Lord strong and mighty
Who is this King of Glory
The Lord strong and mighty
Who is this King of Glory
Who is this King of Glory

¡Mi pasaporte!

2009-03-27T19:52:00.002-04:00

(please don't mind the horrible mess my hair is in, or the redness of my eyes, I have been crying tears of joy)
Ok so I was in tears on Tuesday when I finally got my passport number. Today I am in tears because I finally have my passport in my hands! (¡Estoy hoy en rasgones porque finalmente tengo mi pasaporte en mis manos!)

God is good all of the time, all of the time God is good.

No More Wasted Days

2009-03-10T19:00:00.002-04:00

Today has been one of those off days. You know what I mean? One where you want to lay in bed, but it is just too pretty to waste the day? It is one of those days that you should just go riding around in your car (or if your like me your mini van), and jam out to your favorite music while the kiddos "sing" along in the back seat and giggle while the wind blows all around the car. One of my favorite songs to really turn up loud and sing my heart out to right now is by Francesca Battistelli, it is called Free to Be Me. This song fits me to a T. Goodness. There are days I can sing this song and sing it loud and proud, and there are days like today where when i sing it, all I want to do is cry.

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

I am the furthest thing from perfection, but God who is perfect seeks me. Me?

He has plans for me, and honestly right now even if those plans that He has made for me were staring me right in my face, I am not sure if I would see them. Those plans are going to be the most amazing plans, and they are going to knock my socks off! But, am I ready? Am I prepared for these plans? He will know when I am ready for them, but what if it is too late on my end?

I am still just a girl, just like the song says. Yes I have 3 God sent children, a loving husband, wonderful friends, but I am still just a kid. "Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring", I am still trying to be Supermom. Yes, I am still battling with it and right now... and that demon is winning.

My jeans are ripped, and my fender has tons of dents. I keep driving off the path that He has laid down for me even though it is just a detour, because my windows are rolled down and my music is blaring and I am still trying to be the 20 year old that I never got to be. But I know that no matter how clumsy I am, and how dented my fender is He wants me to get right back on that path while riding on His shoulders. God will jam out with me, sing praises with me, and remind me that my husband can do the mechanic work to knock the dents back into place.

But the more I sit and mull about it, the more I remember He likes me the way I am. Ripped jeans, tattoos, horrible singing voice and all. When I come to Him during praise and worship with my horrible singing voice and I lift my hands to Him, I am humbled. I am giving my all to Him at that moment. But it should not stop there. It shouldn't stop just because I am having a bad day, or I am feeling sick. It should be more prevalent when I am having a bad day and I am feeling sick.

A couple of years ago when we started the prayer room at Grace, I wrote on the wall "No More Wasted Days", yet I am wasting all of my days not serving Him the way I should. We all are wasting our days if we are not serving Him to our fullest. So here is to a new beginning.

Mis familias en CubA

2009-02-23T21:02:00.004-05:00

Yes, I have family in Cub@.
Roberto y Osmary, with their sons Dayan y Daniel.

I don't get to hear form them as often as I used to. But they are still mi familia.
Mi nueva familia en (my new family in) Cub@ es Liliana y Iraides, and their sons Iraidito y Alain Josue.

I get very emotional when I talk about my families in Cub@. They mean so much to me, even though I have not met them in person yet. There are no words to describe how strong our connection is even though we only talk through email and occasionally through a precious handwritten letter. We exchange pictures every so often, and I have sent a video to Roberto y Osmary once, and I received one back. I love watching that video. Their words are so kind, and filled with love.

This summer, I get to go to Cub@. I get to meet mis familias. But this has brought on so much anxiety, so much fear. I have no idea how to speak Spanish. I took 4 years of Spanish in High school. But one of those years doesn't really count since I failed, yes I failed Spanish 2 my sophmore year, and I had to retake it my junior year along with Spanish 3. Do I remember any of this beautiful language? Nope.. the only things I remember are simple colors, numbers, some foods, etc. Not to mention in the classes that I passed, I recieved a C- in Spanish 1, C+ in Spanish 2 (the 2nd time I had to take it), and then a D in Spanish 3. So this worries me. The words, I can so the words but when you through in irregular verbs, regular verbs, definite and indefinite articles etc... boy forget it. I know that we will have plenty of interpreter's and I will have my church family with me as well but I get overwhelemed with the thought of somehow I will not understand anything that anyone is saying. It has already happened to me here while meeting other people from different counteries at a friends house. It is a scary thing. So hopefully with the help of my therapist, and even more so God I can get through this.

As of lately..

2009-02-20T13:24:00.003-05:00

Things have been different around here. I have been going through therapy, so has Kyle. It has been good don't get me wrong. But I feel so frazzled sometimes. I can snap at the drop of a hat at the silliest things. But my doctor says he has the right coarse of treatment for me. My anxiety has been kicking me in my tail. But he said with great confidence that was the easiest thing to take care of. I have been having more and more attacks in the past few weeks than I ever have before. But Kyle knows that he married the crazy housewife and he is still in love with me despite it all.

I need to learn that I am not Supermom. No matter how hard I try. I have 2 special needs kids that happen to be twins that are only 16 months old. I also have a 9 year old who is brilliant and wise beyond his years. I have a loving husband who works full time and goes to school full time. I can only be one person at a time, and I can only take it one minute at a time. I am slowly learning that.

But as of lately... I have learned that there is so much in His word that can help me. SO every morning I pray, as soon as I open my eyes. I pray all day long. I pray right before I go to bed. I pray sometimes even when I don't know why I am praying. Mostly I just talk to God. But it is good for my soul. It keeps me close to Him.

Hungry

2009-01-27T16:02:00.002-05:00

Lord I am so hungry. Hungry for what is in your word. Hungry for what you have in store for me. I see my life before me, what has happened in the past. What is happening right now. What I am about to do. I am constantly stopping myself now, is it for You Father? It is so hard for me. To go from what I was to be a complete follower Lord. But I am so hungry. I don't think I have ever been so hungry. I opened my bible this morning after I woke up to see if Adam had school. No one else was awake but Adam and I. I opened it to 2 Corinthians 12:7 and I followed it through to verse 10.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Oh Lord you know me all to well. But that is what is so wonderful. God knows everything there is to know about you. There is nothing in this world that you can hide from him, no matter how hard you try. When we pray, we should be finding our way to God, not trying to get what we want from him each and every time we pray. Each one of us has a clean slate, because God has cast our sins as far as the East is to the West. He wants you to talk to Him. He wants you to know that he is there to be your best friend.
So Lord, thank you for letting me be hungry. Thank you Lord for making me realize that I am hungry. Lord, I hope that many others I know and that read this blog can be just as hungry as I am Father, because you are the bread of life. John 6:35
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

Breaking free from our addictions

2009-01-20T16:32:00.002-05:00

So lately I have been watching Joyce Meyer, if I cannot get that one on one time with my Bible. I came across a youtube link where she is talking about emotional healing but she said something that is sticking with me this week…….Trust requires that we have unanswered questions.–ugh…I am a momma I want know why it happened, how it works, what the conclusion will be, show me the outcome before I start…..its just me I like to KNOW!!! I am a tad OCD as you all that are close to me know. But I am not OCD about washing my hands, cleaning my house, reading my Bible, or seeking God, but about analyzing EVERYTHING….to a point that it becomes a complete sickness….but I have never thought that it was an addiction just how I was built.
BUT OMG I am addicted to over thinking, reasoning, analyzing….all those things and more. I am one of those people that does not retain information well, and when you say something and I have no clue what it is I will run to Google and find out everything I can about it. Just like with God I want to know everything I can. I am in the process of reading 3 different books, I love the Bible (I headed out yesterday to buy yet another one, The Message so I can understand it better), but with God he leaves us with a very few questions….so we will have to trust and have faith in Him for the rest of the story. For me it has been really hard to put all my trust in the things I don’t know or can’t see. I am just that kind of person. I have not had very trusting relationships in the past. I was talking with a good friend earlier and I told her I think that this is how God made me, He built me this way for a particular reason and no I don’t know why and never will but that's how I was built.
But Joyce answered my problem in that youtube video, she said – We don’t live by explanations we live by the promises of God. In the Bible there are millions of promises that God has made to each and every one of us. So now that I have an answer, a way to be free from my addiction I am going try - try my hardest to just read those promises and trust God.
God knows the whole story and as hard as it is for me to just sit back and read it before jumping to the end I am going go through each chapter one by one and quit trying to jump to the conclusion. Gods work is perfect and more than I can ever do and when or if He wants me to know he will reveal what He wants to my heart. With that I just want to pray for my addictions and yours too whatever they may be.
Gracious Father, Thank You for being the Awesome God full of promises that our minds cannot even imagine. Thank you Father that you give us all weak spots in our lives Lord because those weaknesses give us more reason to draw near to you because you Lord are Perfect and can heal us of our weakness, our addictions, and our sickness. Lord thank you that in Your healing You make us new and give us all a need and a stronger for You in our lives God. And Father I pray for those who are petrified to come onto you with fear that they are not worthy Lord I pray that they would see that You want us all Lord as we are because You will heal us and renew our broken spirits and put us back together just as You want us Father….. I pray that those who are scared to come to You would lay down there fear right now and ask you to break down that door into their hearts. I thank you Father each reader of this Blog that you would use it as a way to speak to the broken hearted and bring them into your love. AMEN

Grrr

2009-01-16T19:00:00.003-05:00

So this round of blood work came up normal as well. I had my CT scan this morning, it was not as bad as I thought it would be (Thank you Amanda!). But I did have to get an IV, YUCK! I have been kind of out of it since Saturday... walking through my life just doing the pieces to get by... I can tell that I am slacking here around the house. Which does not help my depression at all. Pray... that is all I can do. Pray for answers.

More bloodwork and a CT Scan

2009-01-12T18:31:00.002-05:00

So today I went in and with the full list of concerns the doctor did more blood work, including a red blood cell and white blood cell count. I am also scheduled to get a CT scan on Friday morning. Not only is she going to check for the intestinal issues, but I raised the concern of cancer. It runs so highly in my family that she agreed to rule me out for that uglyness as well. SO I should get the blood results back by Wednesday and the CT scan results by Monday the 19th. I will keep everyone updated as soon as I know anything.

Mis intestinos son muy confusos.

2009-01-11T21:20:00.003-05:00

Jan 5th - My blood results came back completely normal?! The doctor is really confused. So she is going to call me back tomorrow with a scheduled time for an ultrasound.

Jan 7th - I go early tomorrow morning for my ultra sound...

Jan 8th - They did a full abdominal scan this morning - hooray for no babies lol. The radiologist will read the scans and I will here back in 24-48 hours. It was funny to go and not see little guys swimming around in my belly. But them scanning around looked so different than when they scanned me for the twins. It was all foreign.

Jan 9th - I got my results earlier this afternoon. I have had one of those down and out days so I have been laying down most of the afternoon/evening. The scan came back normal. The only concern is there is gas somewhere in my abdominal cavity. I had only talked to my doctors assistant so everything is pretty unclear. I go tomorrow at 11:30 to go over the results.

Jan 10th - So today I found out that the gas was not in my abdominal cavity. It is in my intestines. Predominantly and heavily on my right side. She is having me come in again on Monday so we can do more blood work. On the top of her mind right now is Inflammatory bowel disease. It refers to two main diseases, Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's Disease. It would explain the constant pain and the stabbing pain when I move, diarrhea, why my GERD has gotten much worse, and fatigue. So hopefully we will find out no later than Wednesday if we can rule these two out or if this will be my fate. If these are not the problems, then she will do a CAT scan to see what is going on with my bowels. So thank you for your on going prayers. I greatly appreciate it.

There is always something...

2008-12-31T21:34:00.002-05:00

Today I took the boys and myself to the doctors (more about the boys on their blog). Well the past 4-5 days I have felt really crummy. My stomach has not felt right, I have been coughing a little more than normal, and I have had a really bad ache over and behind my right eye. Well on Sunday I had asked Jen (Ferferchapin) while she was over here, if she felt something on my right side a little below my rib. She said she did, like it was a little knot. It hurt a little and when I would touch it it would hurt even more. I chalked it up to not sleeping on that right or something. Well once the diarrhea started, and lasted 3 days... and counting and Imodium wasn't working, I knew something was up.
So I went in to the doc, my doc wasn't in... glad she wasn't she probably thinks I am a nut case as much as I go in there! But the doc that saw me was super nice and went over all my concerns, and when I mentioned the "knot" she looked a bit puzzled and had me lay back to look at it. The doctor took a look/feel and the spot is right where my liver is at and my liver is 2-3 times the normal size it should be. She asked if I drank a lot. I said no I am an occasional drinker maybe one drink once a month type of gal. She said it seemed like I had been drinking for almost 20 years (obviously not I would of started when I was 7). So she had the nurse take some labs, and we should hear something back no later than Friday. She said it could be a number of things... but we will talk more once the labs come in. I of course started to freak out because when they told my mother something was wrong with her liver, she was diagnosed with liver cancer.
She did say that I have the rotavirus. I need to keep hydrated and such. So prayers please, if you don't believe in prayers... send good thoughts my way please. I will keep everyone updated.

The Winner is....

2008-11-30T13:58:00.002-05:00

Jaime from A Bargain Hunting Mommy on the Go! Congratulations! I love her blog, she always has great reviews and knows how to scope out all the cool giveaways! I hope you enjoy the Yum!O cookbook from Rachel Ray!

So much to be thankful for

2008-11-29T14:13:00.003-05:00

Thanksgiving in our house has always been crazy. No matter what we do it is crazy. But 2 years ago that changed. Last year was sad, the boys were still in the hospital and spirits were down. But this year, our boys are home, and we have so much to be thankful for!
Here is my list:
Our gracious Father and Lord
My faith
My husband
Adam
Nathaniel
Aiden
My mother in law
My sister and brother in law
My family
Tonni and Kevin
My amazing girl friends
Cincinnatimommies.com
Cincinnati Children's Hospital
" "Fetal Care Center
" " RCNIC
OT / PT / Speech
Plenty of food
Plenty of water
A roof over our heads
The simple things we take for granted

Dancing for God

2008-11-28T15:18:00.002-05:00

This is a cute little image I found. Our God is awesome, and this picture is awesome. It reminds me of me. Dancing for joy my maker has brought to me, and the joy I pray he will bring to others in my life. Times are rough but they can only get better.
1 Peter 3
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.7Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

For the record...

2008-11-21T00:53:00.003-05:00

I want to marry Orville Redenbacher. Yes yes I know that he is no longer living. Oh and yeah, I already have a magnificent husband... but ladies and gents... he has stolen my heart with this....
I am sure my husband will understand... ok maybe not... maybe I will just marry the popcorn. This is completely acceptable ask my friend dear pregnant friend Erin :)

2nd Yummy Giveaway!!!

2008-11-18T18:16:00.002-05:00

I have a Yummy book that I am giving away for my 2nd giveaway!! It is Rachel Ray's Yum-O! The Family Cook Book.
Here is what they have to say about Rachel's Yum-O! Cookbook:

No one has helped more families find time to fit home-cooked meals into their daily routines than Rachael Ray. Now with the help of Yum-o!, the organization she founded to help kids and adults develop a healthier relationship to food and cooking, she has put together the ultimate family cookbook, which includes recipes that both kids and their parents will love cooking–and eating–together!

Rachael knows that every family wants to make the best possible food choices–and get the very most out of their food-budget dollars. The recipes here feature more whole grains, use less fat, and make the most of fresh fruits and vegetables so they are as good for you as they are delish, and they’re all quintessential Rachael–fun and creative.

You’ll also find notes on how to get even very young kids involved in the cooking process; great ideas for everything from breakfast to the lunchbox to dinner; wholesome snacks; and loads of new double-duty dinners that let you cook once, then eat twice or more.

With lots of full-color photos and tons of helpful tips for making mealtime the very best part of the day, Yum-o! is a must-have for every busy family.

It retails for $22.50, but you can win it if you do at least the first 1 of these 3 things, and you will get additional entries for 2 and 3.

1. Post a comment on my blog about what your favorite dish to cook. (you can get another entry if you give me the recipe or the link to the recipe!)
2. Subscribe to my blog, and comment again telling me you have subscribed to my blog (yes I can tell if you have or not) for another entry.
3. Post a link on your blog that follows back to this post and then comment again telling me you did so for a third entry.
It is that simple!
This contest ends November 30th, 2008 at 10 am.
I will pick a winner through a random generator.
Please make sure to leave your email in each comment so I can contact you if you win!! Thank you and GOOD LUCK!!!

Back pain update

2008-11-16T18:17:00.002-05:00

So my lower lumbar back pain has not gotten any better in the last few weeks. I had went to my ob/gyn thinking that it might be my sciatic nerve. He said that it has been 13 months+ since I had the boys and since I only carried them for 7 months my back pain should not be that bad now, it should be minimal. I have shooting pains that go deep into my spine and by 8-9pm if I have done too many errands or if I have played to hard with the kids, I need to be in bed on the heating pad like a 50 - 60 year old woman! Insanity! So he said for me to talk to my normal physician and see what she thinks and to go from there. So I called her to re schedule my appointment and make it earlier in the month, so my appointment was Friday. She was pretty concerned that a 26 year old woman is having this many problems with her back already. So I have orders for an MRI and an X-ray. I told her I didn't want any more "pills" to take, because it would only mask this problem and add to my growing pharmacy on my night stand. So she gave me some samples of a patch called Lidocane. Nope it didn't work. So here I sit back to my heating pad with my hot tea. I have been on it all day trying to get my work done here on the computer for my mommies board. So hopefully the tests will give the doctor some answers. I have so much pressure in my back, it feels like my vertebrae are rubbing together in and out and twisting around the wrong way. It is so hard to explain, but I can say that it is not at all pleasant. So prayers would be great...

AND THE WINNER IS!!!!

2008-11-14T11:44:00.002-05:00

TIFFANY over at http://lattesandlife.blogspot.com/ Congrats! I guess entering twice is what pays off???!!! Now you can mark it off of your paperbackswap list!! I will be hosting another giveaway on Monday... so please check back then!!!

Lack of writing.

2008-11-11T13:58:00.003-05:00

Things have been pretty crazy around here lately. Kyle has had paper after paper due, and he has still been working full time. Adam's school work has gotten a bit heaver, yes he is in 3rd grade but it has gotten pretty heavy. The twins have been busy with PT, OT, EI, and now they will be starting Speech. I have been sort of overwhelmed with my mommies group and all the new things I have to learn since I became co-site admin. I love this group and I helped take over because I couldn't let this site go down. Things are starting to get up to speed with the site, which is nice, but with the upcoming months and new members it is going to be busy.
It has been pretty chilly here! No snow yet though. I won't break out my coat until there is snow on the ground, and it is iffy if I will even break it out then. I hate wearing a coat. They are so bulky, I feel like I can't move. Now, give me a hoody, a pair of gloves and a scarf, and I am good to go!
I am so excited that this year our family is all together to celebrate to holidays. This time last year Aiden weighed 2lbs 14 1/2 ounces and was 14 1/2 inches long and Nate weighed 2lbs 13 1/2 ounces and was 15 inches long. Adam had finally gotten to hold Nate for the first time, which was amazing! Aiden was almost off of the ventilator. He was taken off the ventilator on the 12th of November. SO we ave overcome so many obstacles. God is awesome!

My Very 1st Giveaway!

2008-11-04T16:59:00.006-05:00

I am feeling very generous, and I want to start doing giveaways once a month! I know that there are quite a few people who frequent our blogs (this one and the twins), but I have never done a giveaway. So today is the day to start!
I have a wonderful book that I am giving away for the first giveaway. It is 601 Great Scrapbooking Ideas. It is from the editors of Memory Makers Books. It retails for $24.99, but it can be yours free if you do at least the first 1 of these 3 things.
1. Post a comment on my blog about what your favorite thing about the holidays is for your first entry.
2. Subscribe to my blog, and comment again telling me you have subscribed to my blog (yes I can tell if you have or not) for another entry.
3. Post a link on your blog that follows back to this post and then comment again telling me you did so for a third entry.
It is that simple!
This contest ends November 14th, 2008 at 10 am.
I will pick a winner through a random generator.
Please make sure to leave your email in each comment so I can contact you if you win!! Thank you and GOOD LUCK!!!

Rough

2008-11-02T13:01:00.002-05:00

I have been having a rough few weeks. My back makes me feel like I am 60 by the time 4 pm rolls around. Which means I can't keep up with the kids. I am 26 for goodness sake, this should not be an issue. I will be calling Dr. Caligaris to get in this week to see him. Kyle thinks it is from all the spinal blocks and epidurals I had from surgeries while pregnant with the twins, and then the cesarean when I had them. So we will see.

I am thinking of hosting a giveaway soon here on my blog! Those are always fun and I love to participate! So why not give back and host one myself? Any ideas on how to get started??

Forgetting to mention

2008-10-29T18:03:00.002-04:00

I don't think I mention enough to my husband how much I love him. He is such an amazing man. He works full time and he goes to school full time and on a rare occasion he gets to see us for a few minutes here and there. In the hustle and bustle I forget to tell him I love him a lot of times, and that frustrates me. He is such a wonderful man. He is sacrificing so much now, so that in a few years we won't have to worry about money. So, Dear Sweet Husband of mine, I love you with all of my heart forever and always.

Such is life

2008-10-17T21:22:00.003-04:00

It has been so busy around here I have not been able to post lately. I am now the co-site admin for cincinnatimommies.com I absolutely love this group of gals! The boys are everywhere now, Nate is taking 7-8 steps at a time and he is trying to walk everywhere he goes. Aiden is getting there, in a couple of weeks he will be where his brother is. Adam's surgery went very well. His pain level never went above a 4 (1 being no pain - 10 being the worst pain ever), and he only had Tylenol twice. He is such a trooper. I told him that if he was 10 years older he would of been on his death bed and wouldn't of moved for 3 days lol. We go back mid November to the urologist to make sure everything was a success. Kyle has been working like crazy and school this semester has been super hard. So when he gets off of work at 1 a.m. he has school work to do and then he doesn't get to bed until 2:30-3 a.m. Then he has to get up at 8:30 a.m. so he can spend some time with the boys before he has to go back and do it all over again. So needless to say, our relationship is not very exciting at the moment. But marriage is so wonderful. I love him so much more being Mrs. Wilkinson. Not sure why, I just do. Hopefully something eventful (but not too eventful) will happen soon and I can blog about it!

September 27, 2008 - I Do

2008-09-28T23:10:00.002-04:00

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

We have heard these verses over and over many times in the past few years. Not until this day did we truely know what it meant. A little over a year and a half ago I wrote on the prayer wall at church something to the effect "Father please show him we need to be married." Now under it reads. "Lord thank you for an answered prayer, I am now Mrs. Wilkinson." I am a strong believer that prayer works, and if you are patient your prayers will be answered. My prayer was answered yesterday, in the prayer room at church. At 11:30 a.m. Kyle and I became husband and wife. In attendance was his mother Cherryl, Kevin our pastor and his wife Tonni. Tonni, Kevin, and Cherryl have been there for us through so much this past year and a half, and we are truely blessed to have them in our lives and to of been able to have them there to rejoice and ignite with emotions on that day. There have been many phone calls and many emails on why other people were not invited, or why we didn't tell anyone. We wanted to be able to share this moment with eachother in the presence of the people we are closest to and God without having all the pressure of dates and financial responsibilities that we just could not possibly meet right now. In the not so distant future we will have a reaffirmation of our vows were we will have a grand ceremony and a reception to follow and everyone will be included this time around. So we ask you to refrain from sending any congratulatory packages, please save that for the reaffirmation ceremony.

Check :)

2008-09-23T13:18:00.002-04:00

Rings - Check
Marriage License Application approval - Check
Pastor (Kevin Jobe) - Check
Witnesses (Cherryl Wilkinson and Tonni Jobe) - Check
Date (Within the next 2 weeks) - Check

Yep you guessed it we are getting married! We are just doing the signing of the papers right now. It just makes sense. In a few years when we can afford our big wedding we will have it. Then we will do the parties, the big wedding, the reception and yes the registering for gifts. So please all we would like right now is a congratulations. No party, no gifts. Just a congratulations and my prayers have been answered! So I will be Mrs. Kyle Wilkinson :)

Atlantic City News!!!

2008-09-15T02:30:00.001-04:00

It is amazing here! The weather is nice, the food is great and the people are quite kind. I have news... but I will have to wait until I get back to share...

11 months old and a year ago today....

2008-09-05T23:57:00.001-04:00

Our boys turned 11 months old today. Here is the link to their blog to read what I wrote about them and what happened a year ago today. http://aidenandnathaniel.blogspot.com/

Retirement Flag Burning Ceremony

2008-09-01T21:52:00.006-04:00

This morning to wrap up our Labor Day Weekend camping with Kyle's family in Columbus, Kyle and his Uncle did a short retirement flag burning ceremony. None of the cub/boy scouts have been in long enough to know how they were supposed to do it, and it had been so long for the older folk they did it their way. I did a little research today and it looks like when a flag is so worn it is no longer fit to serve as a symbol of our country it should be destroyed in a dignified manner. There were some words spoken by Kyle's cousin while the flag was being stretched out above the fire by Kyle and his Uncle, and one of the boy scouts (Kyle's cousin Josh who is 13) played the trumpet. Everyone was silent with respect. The flag was held until it was completely caught in flames so no parts of the flag would touch the ground. There was a short prayer and then silence after the flag was placed completely in the fire so that the grommets could be retrieved so they could be buried after the flag had burned and all that remained was ashes. It was a short but beautiful ceremony and I don't think that there was a dry eye that left that camp fire this morning. It makes me very proud to be with a man who has served our country, and wake up every morning knowing he will fight the same way for our family to keep us safe, as he did for our country. The food was wonderful this weekend, the fellowship was great, and the prayers were so moving I couldn't help but cry over my food during Grace each morning and night. God talks to everyone, and this weekend I felt as if He was talking directly to me.

First day of school!!!

2008-08-26T08:37:00.003-04:00

Ok well it was the end of the 2nd day of school that I took this picture, it has been so busy around here. Adam really likes his teacher and so far is liking school. He switches classes for Science on Wednesday and Thursday and he goes into Mrs. Williams class. That class has all of his friends in it. His homeroom teacher is Mrs. Ghiz. Including him there are 6 boys, they are totally out numbered by 12 girls! I am not sure who did the math on that one! So all and all I think this will be a great year for him!

So the count down started a few weeks ago, but we have 18 days until our vacation! I am very excited! I am pretty sure I will have some way to keep in contact with everyone so I will keep you guys updated while we are gone!

Is it time for school yet?

2008-08-13T20:32:00.002-04:00

Eight days until school starts... and yes I am counting down! Adam is just so bored with the summer. The boys have not been able to do too much this summer since they are mobile but not too mobile. Next summer will be better for him I think, it will be better for everyone. So 8 days until he starts back to school... my biggest baby is going into 3rd grade.... boy does time fly.

A much needed Vacation

2008-08-10T23:26:00.001-04:00

So Kyle announced to me this evening that we are going to the Jersey Coast September 14th-18!!! We might leave late on the 13th and get there early on the 14th. We are renting a car and driving there. He wants to go to Atlantic City and New York City as well while we are there. His brother is stationed at Fort Monmouth in Jersey and it is possible that we can get put in the hotel there, but we won't know for sure yet. I am so excited you guys! I have never been on a real vacation! I will keep everyone updated when I find things out! Has anyone ever been to Point Pleasant? I think that is where we will be going. Any ideas on what to do there?

It has been forever...

2008-08-10T12:30:00.002-04:00

It seems since I have blogged here. I have been busy busy busy. Both boys are very mobile, I have been working out, Kyle has been working and working out. Adam is getting ready to go back to school. Kyle is getting ready to go back to school. I am loosing weight and gaining muscle! I am so excited! Kyle and I are doing wonderful. We have had some rocky times, but it has been great. I feel like I did when we first got together again. I love that man with all my heart. I will keep everyone up to date on how things are going here in the next few days. Big changes are coming!!

New addition to our family

2008-07-21T13:55:00.003-04:00

Well it seems we are adding Hunter to our family. His dad decided to live in a place where he can not have pets. So therefore Hunter is being left behind. It is a shame because Hunter can be a really good dog when he knows he is being loved. It breaks me heart for him to have to be bounced into another shelter or in another home where he can possibly not be loved as much. So Hunter will be living with us now. We have to work with him on some things, but overall he is happier here and he loves us and Emma Jean. He is a rather large dog as you can see in the pictures below, but he has a really large heart for all of us in turn. Thank you Hunter for being a part of our family.

Hunter Wilkinson-McLane

Hunter and Emma, you can see the size differnce.

This is Hunter's front paw in my hand after I told him he has a forever home.

Photos by CRT

2008-07-19T15:34:00.005-04:00

Cindy Tucker (Photos by CRT) did our family portraits today. I have been waiting for this day for a very long time and we finally did it! here are a few preview shots, there will be more uploaded to My Flicker once she finishes editing them. If you would like to get a hold of Cindy for her to do photos for you you can contact her through her photoblog. THANK YOU CINDY!

Nate drinking out of the water fountain

Adam in a tree

Aiden playing and drinking out of the water fountain

Kyle and I, True Love.

I am woman hear me ROAR

2008-07-17T22:29:00.001-04:00

Cincinnati Mommies!

2008-07-11T23:57:00.003-04:00

I have met some of the best gals in my mommies group! Btw if you are in the Cincinnati area you need to check us out! Cincinnatimommies.com If you are outside of the Cincinnati area take a look on www.themommiesnetwork.org and see if there is one in your area! I think that this group of gals are the best! I have learned, laughed, cried and laughed some more with these gals. Here are some pictures of the grill out I had here last Sunday and some of the mommies came!

This is Beth and I, she is our Site Administrator. Her husband is hilarious and she has a son who is 7 (who has become Adam's BFF), a daughter who is 5, and B/G twins who are 3! This girl helps keep me sane on most days!

This is Mary, she is in my East Central Group, what's awesome is she lives right up the road from me! Mary has a loving husband and has a son who is 3.

And this is Holly. She is my partner in crime! She is my Assistant Moderator for our East Central Group. Holly has a wonderful husband, a son who is almost 2 and she is due with son number two in August!

Loosing weight and it feels great!

2008-07-11T12:41:00.002-04:00

So it has been a little over a week since I started with sparkpeople.com and I have lost 4 lbs already and some inches. I am so pumped about this website! It is amazing how focused you get on what you eat when you have to log each and every piece of food you eat. I will keep everyone updated on my progress!!!

4th of July

2008-07-04T21:56:00.003-04:00

So it is the boys first 4th of July, and they are in bed, Adam is with his grandmother, and Kyle is at work. I am here sitting at my computer by myself... what is wrong with this picture? Tomorrow we have the grill out at Fred's and then on Sunday we are having a grill out here. I am hoping things get better soon around here... stress levels are quite high.

More zoo pictures

2008-07-02T22:54:00.003-04:00

Aiden and Daddy saying hello to momma

Momma, Nate and Adam all smiles :)

Aiden was so confused on why I was taking so many pictures

Mommy and Nate looking at fish

The pretty Bengal tiger was giving everyone a show

Family time at the Zoo

2008-07-02T22:41:00.004-04:00

This past Monday we went to the Columbus Zoo. It was a first for everyone but Kyle who used to live in Columbus. We had a great time despite the rain. The animals in that zoo were much more showy than our animals here at the Cincinnati Zoo. We had an amazing time, and I got some pretty good pictures... so here you go!

The Koala was way too cute, he was eating his leaves and he seemed quite content

Aiden loved looking at the snakes, he was trying to get them through the glass lol

Now the Kangaroo were just plain neat! You walked into a fenced in area, and they were right there, walking around with you!

It rained a few times while we were there, but the Orangutan's were happy cuddling under there huts.

Poor little Nate was cut out of the picture because he was too busy trying to reach for the camera, but non the less it is a good picture of Kyle and I <3

I just needed to vent....

2008-06-25T22:44:00.003-04:00

I am tired of family/friends/strangers etc... telling me to just get over the fact our boys were premature.

Ummm - at what age of their growth did I stop being a preemie mom? Who waved the magic wand and took away all the fears of my children dying before I could see them, and once born the terror of falling in love in case they died -- being able to only touch a hand, denied the right to even change a diaper! Bathing in a cup, pumping until I thought Daisy the Cow had nothing on me -- learning medical skills, terms and mind mazes that would boggle the mind of a second year medical student, passing through the locked doors of NICU like a visitor to a prison.

At what age did those experiences NOT happen?

Yes, the babies are older now -- but what about this first year? The endless appointments, OT, PT, ST -- jumble the alphabet, you'll come up with a medical appointment...

And then what about the following years -- every little milestone passed causes a release of long held breath that this was one more 'normal' (there's that horrible word again!) baby thing

Our twins were born early -- that makes me a preemie mom -- and just because our babies are older doesn't change their birthdate -- time will sooth the terror, lack of sleep will blur the details --

I wear this title with honor -- because us moms know it represents a battle of epic proportions waged not only with medical personal, annoying nurses, insensitive (stupid) family members and 'friends' with both feet in their mouths -- it represents all the internal struggles we went through, and fought and perhaps are still fighting --

I wear this title with honor - because when someone says 'they're older now, get over it' or 'just be thankful they're here' I can smile inside and know with certainty that I know better than most others what it's like to face sickness, and death and pass through the valley and come out the other side --

I wear this title with honor - because that's our birth story and there is no reason to apologize for an experience that no sane person would willingly choose, even for their worst enemy.

I wear this title with honor - because I know when I hear about babies being born early my heart aches and I cry for those parents and I am capable of a compassion that very few others even know is necessary.

And face it -- they'll always be our babies -- and when they're 56 they'll probably still be asking for allowance and to borrow the brand new car.

roses and smoke

2008-06-22T17:23:00.003-04:00

So I sit here smelling dead roses and cigarette smoke, let me explain. I had randomly went to my Uncle Fred's house after church today, and as i was turning down Hopkins Avenue I saw a huge white truck in his driveway. There were Billy, Charlie, and my Dad (step dad Jim) starting to unload my mommy's stuff. I turned the corner to park on Allison and walk over. I saw Rose on the porch and said did I come at a bad time and she said "Nope.". So I started to walk over and I hear "Kathy" It was my Dad. He said "This is everything but her wedding dress I forgot her wedding dress. But I will drop it back off." I burst into tears, how couldn't I? These are things I have not seen in the better part of 7 years. Nic nacs, photo's oodles and oodles of photo's! I have no idea where to start, I just keep looking at it all, and I burst into tears. It might take me a few days to start going through it. The cedar chest my bio father made for her for their wedding was amongst one of the biggest things. It is plum full of pictures as well. Boxes of her Indian plates and nic nacs, my color guard flags still on the poles, they are tattered and torn but still my memories. There is a bag full of Adam's baby clothes and blankets that were over at her house. Memories.... so many memories. Here is the kicker.... He had her cedar chest and the rocker that she had bought when we told her I was pregnant with Adam so she could rock him in when he came but he had already unloaded the boxes into my car... so instead of leaving the stuff at Fred's he said he would just follow me and bring all the big stuff to my house. TO MY HOUSE, where my family lives. They followed me here, I called Kyle on the way in tears ( I am not sure how I drove home as blurry as I vision was) and told him to get dressed that my Dad was coming over to drop off my mommy's stuff. Kyle calmly said "Ok Baby I will see you in a few minutes.". A few minutes later we pull up and Kyle walks down and shakes everyone's hands and introduces himself. He shook my dad's hand, and I am not sure if it will be the last time or not. But I do know I have my memories, I have my memories back.

This is the chest my bio father made for my mom for her wedding gift. It is plum full of pictures of my past and my children's only way of knowing my mother.

It costs how much?

2008-06-19T21:13:00.003-04:00

SO today I finally went to the doctors. I have been putting of going to an actual family doctor for a few years now. I have been depending on my OB-GYN to do everything since I am so comfortable with him. But I have found the best family practice doctor! I am going to Trinity Family Medicine. I am seeing Doctor Angela Tucker. She was very nice, very welcoming and she listened. I had a lot to cover with her since I had not been to see anyone in quite some time. She has decided to put me back on zoloft, and has given me some names to some psychologist/councilors. She was not able to test me for Diabetes today since I had eaten breakfast. So I go back in 4 weeks to see how well the zoloft is working and that morning I have to fast so she can do blood work. She says a lot of the fatiguing I have is from depression. I thought I was cleared from the depression. UGH. So hopefully things will start getting a little less stressful, she said I have a lot of stressers. She also put me on Imitrex. She wants to put me on a preventative medicine for my migraines, but she doesn't want to start anything until after my 4 week check in with the zoloft. BTW the pills are $27.22 a piece! I can only get 9 at a time since my insurance doesn't like to cover them very often or too many in quantity.

Planning.....

2008-06-16T11:40:00.000-04:00

Lots and lots of planning... as in wedding..... :O

Waiting on the World to Change

2008-06-13T22:46:00.001-04:00

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything is going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It’s hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
When you trust your television
What you get is what you got
‘Cuz’ when they own the information ooohhh,
They can bend it all they want

So while we're waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It's not that we don't care
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

(Guitar solo)

We're still waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population

So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Know we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change

It's not easy being green...

2008-06-12T14:59:00.003-04:00

So I have planted my first vegetable and herb garden without my mother. It has taken me 7 years to get to the point of wanting to do one without her. I bought these little greenhouses from Meijers and I am pretty excited. I have 4-5 differnt kinds of peppers, cucumbers, cilantro, chives, lavender, radishes, onions, and mammoth sunflowers. So we will see how it goes... they are being raised from seeds.... I will update everyone on my progress :)

GUESS WHO CAUGHT THE BOUQUET!!!

2008-06-07T23:36:00.003-04:00

So tonight was Angie and Brad's wedding! Angie is Leonard's step sister. Since that side of the family still thinks of me as family lol, I was invited. I took Adam with me since Kyle had to work. The wedding was amazing! Julie made all of the flowers with silk flowers! Took her 6 months but what a great idea! There was one big bouquet that was made up of 6 small bouquets. So when she threw it it divided into 6 bouquets! I was one of the luck gals who caught one... so now Kyle the pressure is really on!!

I am in the middle wearing the bright green shirt... you can see one of the bouquets falling into my hands <3

This is Angie (Leonard's step sister) and I after I caught one of the bouquets.

It truely was an amazing wedding! I can't wait for my time to come....

Frugal Beautiful Kitten & Family

2008-06-05T21:50:00.002-04:00

So as of yesterday our dryer has been retired for a month. We did have to break him out twice though :( Once for a bra that I had to wear that same day, and the other was yesterday. I had already filled the lines we had up, but still had our whites in the washer. Bad planning on my part. But Kyle and I had already talked about putting up more line just for this reason. So in the storm I went out and grabbed more line, and more clothes pins. But DUH I didn't have any hooks! I was not about to go back out so we just threw the stuff in the dryer. We did break down on Monday and turned on our AC, but it has been set on 76, and it is nice and cool in here so we will see how well it does in the up coming weeks.

Adam and I have a wedding we are attending on Saturday. If you can follow, it is Leonard's step mom's daughter's wedding. So Leonard's step sister's wedding. I am still pretty close with his dad's side of the family and since Kyle can not get off that night, Adam will be going. Which is great because then he gets to see his only grandpa and the rest of that side of the family.

Speaking of family, my Aunt Brenda from Tennessee will be up this Saturday as well. So before noon we will be going down to my Uncle Fred's house to visit and she can meet Kyle and the boys. She is going to a wedding anniversary for some one in the extended family and she will also be taking my grandma's ashes back home with her. Yep, we are playing pass the Grandma :)

HA! Speaking of passing... how about how time is passing us by? The boys are 8 months old today! Pretty soon we will be celebrating their first birthday! Tomorrow the early intervention lady will be coming to the house to their final evaluation and to have me finish up some paperwork that way we can get things started. I am pretty excited in how well they are doing, but they are no where near where they are supposed to be. On every exciting thing is today Aiden started mocking us when we say dada. He says it very very loud and with such enthusiasm even though he has no idea what he is saying lol. I will leave you with a picture <3

Can you guess who is who?

You know....

2008-06-03T08:43:00.001-04:00

It has been kind of weird around here lately... and things aren't really getting done... But I think I like it <3

Wordless Wednesday

2008-05-28T10:48:00.002-04:00

PayPerPost

2008-05-22T17:35:00.002-04:00

payperpost

One day Kyle stumbled upon this link to a site called PayPerPost.com and said that he had read over it and thought I should check it out as soon as I can. So being a good Wife in training I did. When you sign up on this site, you enter your blog for approval and once it is approved, you look at opportunities for things to write about within your payperpost profile. If you qualify for an opportunity, you simply write about the requirements on your blog and review the site that you qualified for. Pretty easy! You know the best part? You get paid for it! You heard me right, you get paid for each blog that you post. This is only my second posting for this website, but I have already earned $25.00. You know what $25.00 can get a girl like me? Diapers! Amongst diapers and baby things, I plan on using the money I earn for things for myself. This is a great, simple and fun way for me to earn money for myself doing what I like to do, here in my own home. Blog! The greatest thing about this site is you get to pick the things you want to write about. You pick the categories you are willing to blog about and then you check out the site and blog about it. You might be thinking that this is too easy, well it is! But it is real, and yes this is Kat writing, not some robot. Don't giggle I am not a robot. As I said check it out! This is something nice to do even if you work outside the home. But stay at home moms you really need to check it out! That down time that you have that you are using for blogging anyway, put your fingers to the keys and have at it!

Jogging? What??

2008-05-22T15:59:00.003-04:00

So I made a pretty big purchase yesterday... I bought a double jogging stroller. Yepp you heard me right. I think that this will be a great motivator since I have invested my money in it, I am going to use it. I am pretty excited! So on Monday I have a walking/jogging regimen I will be starting.. I need to get serious!

511 Tactical Outdoors

2008-05-22T15:46:00.004-04:00

5.11

The 5.11 Tactical Outdoors website is great for any of your Tactical needs. They have a wide range of Pants with over 20,000 pairs in stock! Free shipping on all orders over $50. They have everything from pants, shirts, knives, eye wear, shorts, bags, jackets and more!! Be sure to check out their closeout section for some great deals!!! (closeout items do not get free shipping.)

Boys room is getting finished finally!!!

2008-05-20T21:19:00.004-04:00

This will be a quick post but within the next week or so we will finally have our carpet! We have the boys room painted and we are moving their furniture in there so we can get a sense of what it is going to be like. We have decided to separate them in their cribs... they have been waking each other up now almost like it is a game. It is starting already! So here is a picture of the color we painted the boys room :) This is actually the wall that Kyle put up since there was not a wall there

Weightloss update and Frugal update

2008-05-15T15:41:00.002-04:00

So on May 4th I started a blogging adventure... and I have not updated, so here ya go!

Our dryer is still retired! We purchased a dehumidifier finally and put it in it's place right next to our retired dryer. We have not run out of clothing like I was afraid of. I was worried that I would get lazy and forget to do laundry or not hang it up in time for it to dry long enough. But so far so good. I am not doing so well in the getting up off my rump part though. I am making a daily shore list for myself. People are like you have too much on your hands, you need to pace yourself. No I don't. You guys honestly have no idea how much free time I honestly have. There you go, I am admitting it. I sit on my arse 75% of the day. Whether it is sitting on the computer or watching t.v., there my butt is sitting. I wait until the last minute to do EVERYTHING. So it struck me today when I was updating Adam's chore list. I put on the top of it in bold large letters

These chores are to be done BEFORE you go outside or play indoors UNLESS it is an end of the day chore. All chores will be done everyday, even if you are late getting to bed UNLESS told otherwise by MOM or Kyle. Homework can be done before or after your chores. But homework also needs to be done BEFORE you play outside or indoors. After school is done for the summer, you will have summer homework assigned each day that will be in place of your school homework.

HA! I should be following this! Not the homework part, but the playing part! I pray every morning that the boys are going to sleep in, and I won't have to wake up until 11 like this morning. POPPYCOCK! I need to be getting up with Adam. Eating breakfast with him, having mommy and Adam time. When did I get so lazy?

On the lazy note... I have not jogged this week. Lazy.
Weight: 145.5 (with jeans, 2 shirts, underwear, and bra.)
BMI: 35.5%
Water: 51%
Waist: 33.5
Hips: 39.5

That is a loss of 2 lbs so far. I am not in control of my eating at all. Not one bit. I need to rope it in and figure it out fast. Swimming season is rapidly approaching and I know I am not going to be stuck sitting pool side with jeans and a sweatshirt on. WHOA! I need to get my butt in gear.

#$##

2008-05-15T14:24:00.002-04:00

Why do people say they are going to do something and they don't follow through?
UGH!

Semi - Wordless Wednesday

2008-05-14T00:05:00.002-04:00

These are the top 10 reasons why I love you

2008-05-11T19:05:00.002-04:00

This is what Adam brought home for me on Friday from school for mother's day:

Top 10 reasons why I love my MOM
10. I love my Mom because she reads me stories
9. I love my Mom because she helps me cut hard to cut steak
8. I love my Mom when she makes me laugh by rubbing my shoulders.
7. I love my Mom because she taught me how to help with my brothers
6. I love to hear my Mom sing a lot of her church songs.
5. I love my Mom because she finds time to get ice cream.
4. I know my Mom cares because she loves God
3. I know my mom is smart because she does everything a Mom has to do.
2. I love my Mom because she works hard at helping my brothers
1. I love my Mom because she's the BEST MOM EVER.
Happy Mother's Day Mom!

The first few words were already put in place for them to work off of, but he wrote the rest. He is such a sweet heart.

God thinks I am BEA-UTIFUL!

2008-05-10T14:32:00.003-04:00

Today I splurged and got my hair done. I have not had my hair done in forever. Actually it has been since August last year. So I did it. I told the girl surprise me! Here is what she came up with

I am pretty excited :) But the most awesome part ever was while I was at the salon waiting to pay. A group of gay guys came in lol... and they were all touching the back of my hair telling me it looked super good. Then it got quite. A man in his forties who was still pretty stylin walked in with this long brown hair and beautiful blue eyes (he was pretty darn hot) stopped at the counter and in a deep face said. "Wow you are beautiful." Smiled and walked into the waiting room. I walked into the waiting room to thank him, and he wasn't there. Granted there was a fire door that had alarms and stuff on it if you were to open it. But he wasn't there. Ladies, that was my sign. God thinks I am beautiful. Thank you Lord for telling me. You make everything glorious and I am yours.

When I thought my patience had been stretched to thin

2008-05-09T19:43:00.003-04:00

For some reason today my patience has been stretched very very thin. I have been snapping for no reason and frustrated at God knows what. I figured after I fed the boys their bottles at 3:30 I would take a nap to shake it off. HA! Nap in this house are you kidding me? So, I laid the boys down and changed the t.v. to something I wouldn't be interested in so I could catch some shut eye. I swear these boys are so stinking intuitive... as soon as they feel someones eye lids closing... they need to paid attention too... they want you to know "HEY I AM STILL HERE MOM!" So as I said frustrated I get up, turn Nate over back to his belly and pat his back and ask him kindly to take a nap. Never mind the fact that he is rolling over... I have taken that for granted, they have been going from belly to back for a while now. But regardless... I go back and lay down and 3 minutes later Aiden starts in. Well see these boys take turns. When one is happy the other is pissy that week/day/hour what have you. That is just how they are, they have been that way since day one. Any way, I let it go... let him cry for a bit. I knew they needed naps, their poor little eye lids were so heavy they couldn't even keep them open for their bottles. Plus my head was guaranteed to start spinning like the exorcist in a few short minutes. Finally they were napping. I started to fall asleep, and knock knock knock on my door. It was Adam asking what was for dinner. Selfish me was thinking 'Dinner are you kidding me? It is only 4:30.' I quietly told him that we were having whatever sandwiches and he could help himself. A few questions and a few more door knocks, the boys woke up. Furious for who knows what reason I get up and make a sandwich for myself and start bottles. I sat down at the computer and started my random music player of music and on pops Unfailing Love by (the amazingly hot) Chris Tomlin. I of course don't think of anything of it. I grab Nate and he was happy with not eating yet so I plopped him in his johnny jumper which is his favorite thing at the moment, and I grabbed Aiden and changed his diaper and sat down here at the computer and started feeding him and sifting through my inbox on yahoo. The verse 'How beautiful is your unfailing love' comes on and by this time Aiden had knock his bottle away from his mouth 2-3 times and i was getting a little peeved. But then I look down and see Aiden fixed on his hands that are tightly clinching his bottle that he had screamed for. He was just trying to take the bottle in and out of his mouth, seeing how it works. He was trying so hard to figure this small thing out. He was learning something that seems so simple but is so hard for them right in front of my eyes. 'Everything you hold in your hand still you make time for me I can't understand. Praise you God of Earth and sky how beautiful is your unfailing love' He goes on to sing 'You are my rock. The one I hold on to. You are my song. And I sing for You' By this time I am in tears. Songs speak to me in many ways these days. I find hidden meanings in almost everything. God was having Chris sing this song for me at that moment. Letting me know that Aiden knows my love is unfailing for him. Everything I hold in my hands, even though sometimes they are over flowing with too many things to hold, I still make time for him. I am these boys rocks, they hold on to me for so many reasons. They were not supposed to make it, but they did. God has big plans for these boys I can just feel it. God thank you for coming and putting words into my ears and a song in my heart when I need it most.

Happy Mother's Day

2008-05-09T09:53:00.001-04:00

"Dear Lord, it's such a hectic day
With little time to stop and pray
For life's been anything but calm
Since You called on me to be a mom
Running errands, matching socks
Building dreams with building blocks
Cooking, cleaning and finding shoes
And other stuff that children lose
Fitting tight lids on bottled bugs
Wiping tears and giving hugs
A stack of last week's mail to read
So where's the quiet time I need?
Yet when I steal a minute, Lord
Just at the sink or ironing board
To ask the blessings of Your grace
I see then, in my small one's face
That You have blessed me
All the while
And I stop to kiss
That precious smile

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!
"

The start of something good

2008-05-04T16:45:00.005-04:00

So today we put up our clothesline.... Not sure how well this is going to work out at my house. I am lazy. In order to line dry you have to wait for stuff to dry... and well that means I have to be on top of laundry. We will see how this works. So as of today our dryer.. is retired.

For breakfast I had fruit and a garden omelet with a water. Well I skipped lunch because I was napping.... not too sure why I needed a nap, but my body told me I did. Dinner will consist of Lemon pepper chicken breasts, spinach, and plain baked potatoes.

Weight: 147.5 (with jeans, 2 shirts, underwear, and bra.)
BMI: 30%
Water: 47%
Waist: 33.5
Hips: 39.5

I am not going to put my goals here since I am afraid that will intimidate me more.

Frugal Friday (a few hours early)

2008-04-24T21:22:00.001-04:00

Voracious readers like yours truly find in paperbackswap.com an easy way to weed out the dogs in your book collection, get them out of the house, and get new (used) free books in the mail!

I learned about this site from another stay at home mom like myself. Here's what you do:

1. Weed out the books you no longer want, from your book collection.
2. Enter the ISBNs into paperbackswap.com, after opening an account.
3. When you get requests for the books you've posted, the site lets you print out a pre-formatted mailing label with the recipient's name and address.
4. For a small book, you can wrap this label around the book, tape it and mail it. For a larger book, pop it in a manila envelope or bubble envelope and tape the label on the front.
5. You get credits for free books after you post your initial batch, and you get more credits for each book received by your requestors. Over 2 million titles are available for you to request. I requested, and got, one really obscure book from the site--their catalog is deep.
6. Mail the books others requested from you. That's it! You free up space on your shelves for good stuff, and you get good stuff free.

This is a sustainable way to use a preexisting delivery service (the P.O.) to distribute books cluttering your house to people who want them, while replacing the unwanteds with books you crave! Best of all, the site is free to participate in! Yay!

Copy and paste the link below and after you sign up and post books, I will get credit as well. And you can spread the word to your friends copy the same link I have posted here, but insert your email address at the end instead of mine <3

http://www.paperbackswap.com/index.php?r_by=csikatlane@yahoo.com

Wordless Wednesday

2008-04-23T20:50:00.000-04:00

NEED WASHING??

2008-04-08T21:10:00.001-04:00

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Target. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Target.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Lets run through the rain!" She repeated

"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.

This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"

"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.

"No, we won't, Mom.. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?

"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer , you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN.

Ok so this moving thing is for the birds.

2008-04-06T19:26:00.001-04:00

We have started moving stuff today, and it is a lot crazier than we thought it would be. We are not even half done, and our babysitters are gone for the night. So we have from 10am tomorrow morning until 3 pm to get everything moved out and into the new house and the old house cleaned. If I calculate that correctly that is only 5 hours. HA, yeah I don't see it getting done.

Loosing weight?

2008-04-05T15:54:00.000-04:00

Loosing weight? No I am not. I am gaining it. Why? Because I am lazy. Ever since I have been on bed rest with the boys I have stayed in that "you have to be resting" mode. That is bologna. I really need to do something about this "extra weight" I am caring. I honestly have no excuse! I only gained 4 lbs, 4LBS with the boys. I lost a almost 20 lbs after I had them, and I have gained 30 back. So not only am I back to my pre-pregnancy weight I am 20 lbs over it! So this is my goal. After we get moved (which we are moving on Monday) I plan on walking/jogging in the AM or PM (depending on Kyle's schedule) 3-4 times a week. The whole house is going to start eating healthier! We all need it. Poor Adam has been on a diet for 3 months now because he had gained too much weight in the last year, and now he is in soccer. Kyle has gained weight ( I say it is sympathy weight). But everyone in the house overall needs to be healthier. So does anyone have any tips? My mom friends who have twins or more... any tips??? I will keep everyone updated on progress. I am going to go get a scale today. We will see how this all works out.

I want to set the world on fire

2008-04-01T16:40:00.001-04:00

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it’s burning bright for You
It’s everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There’s nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father’s hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

I’m gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

Moving

2008-04-01T09:49:00.003-04:00

I will be so glad once this whole move is OVER! It has been harder on me than I thought it would be. My back is still hurting pretty bad from the incident, and frankly I have no idea how much of a help I am going to be while moving the heavy stuff. OOOOMMMMM....

Team Cincinnati Concert

2008-03-30T23:12:00.003-04:00

Aiden and Nathaniel all dressed up for the concert

Nick Lachey presenting the $250,000 check to CCHMC

Amie (the boys nurse from the RCNIC)

Nick thanking God for everything he has given Cincinnati

Yoga....

2008-03-25T19:22:00.004-04:00

So the wonderful Linda has started a Yoga class with us ladies, and is even extending out to whom ever wants to join! My back and neck hurt pretty bad from the stupid incident yesterday, so I thought hmmmm.... maybe yoga might help me stretch out some of the pain. Sure enough! Praise God for having man invent Yoga!

Brush with death

2008-03-24T18:11:00.002-04:00

This afternoon I had went out while Kyle and the boys were napping to get some errands done with out kids. I went to Valley Thrift because on Monday's they have % off everything. I was happy to find some good buys and then left to head to Meijers in Fields Ertle to return some stuff we just don't need. I was on 71 North and I was in the slow lane. At that point on 71 there are 4 lanes of traffic. I was going about 50-55 in the 65 MPH zone only because traffic was quite heavy, when out of the corner of my eye I see a white 4 door car come speeding over from the third lane of traffic almost slamming into the side of me. I swerve to the right while he is still coming towards me when my wheels go out of control and my steering wheel turns like wild. All I could hear was the screeching of my tires and I could smell the rubber burning as they spun. I my head all I could think of was thank God I left the boys at home... this is the end of me. My cars front end started going right and the back end of my car spun around and came within 2 inches from the guard wall (the officer measured it), and when I opened my driver door there was only 5 inches of room from the door to the wall. How I missed that wall I am not sure. But I was turned all the way around facing the wrong way in traffic. As soon as I came to a full stop I threw my e-brake on and slammed my car in park and turned my car off. Terrified I searched for my phone. I usually tuck it in my lap in case I need it or someone calls me. But from the car being thrown around the way it did, it had fallen on the floor and went under my seat. Since I couldn't open my car door to get out, I had to climb over to the passenger side seat to reach under my seat to get my phone. I slowly moved back over to my seat and dialed 911. It was almost 25 minutes from the time the incident happened until the patrol officer came to my rescue, but not one person stopped. Not one person. I was hysterical when he got there, and he took a report and then escorted me backwards 1/2 a mile until the the end of the barrier wall so I could back into the grass and turn around. I cried the whole way home. I refuse to drive that way to go to Fields Ertle ever again. God was watching over me then, I know it.

Conversations with Kyle

2008-03-23T21:43:00.003-04:00

After eating a pound and a half of steak for himself Kyle makes me laugh almost spitting out my potatoes...
Kyle - "I really like dead cows."
Me - A bit disturbed looks at him and laughs
Kyle - "I mean I really like to chew on them"
Me - "Wow"

Emotional Easter

2008-03-23T18:23:00.002-04:00

Service at church was great. Afterwards we went to uncle Fred's house for a late lunch and great catching up. Then on a whim on my way home, even though the boys were screaming at me, I thought hmmm, I am in Norwood, I wonder if my Grandma Betty decided to have Easter at her house instead of in Bethel. Sure enough, I pull in and they are there. To my surprise, so was my biological father David. Here are some pictures of this emotional day. God is good, all of the time. All of the time, God is good.

I can finally have closure, finally!

2008-03-19T23:48:00.000-04:00

So I got a message on my voice mail from my Uncle Fred last Wednesday....

"Ka thleen, it is your Uncle Fred. I need you to give me a call as soon as you get this, it is very important that you call me honey. I mean really important. I love you. Don't worry it is all good news honey, nothing bad. Just give me a call as soon as you get this. I love you. Bye bye.

"

So I called him back while I was sitting in the waiting area at H&R Block with Kyle getting ready to have our taxes done. He said "Hey honey. I have some really good news." I was like "Okay well I am confused what is going on" Knowing Fred I thought he had found us a van at his work since that was the last thing him and I had talked about. "Well Honey, I went and talked to your daddy Jim today. (Long pause from the both of us) And he is going to give you all of your mommies stuff.

"

As many of you can imagine I burst into tears. For those of you who don't know, my mother passed away February 6, 2001 with cancer in 4 differnt places in her body, and she had suffered from a brain aneurysm and a stroke... It has been 7 long long years with out my mother. All of the crap I have been through and I didn't have her there to help me. Adam growing up, me leaving Leonard, getting back onto my feet, finding my faith once again, finding Kyle, and having the many struggles with being pregnant with the boys, and then the afterward struggles they have had. You need your mother for things like that, and I did not have my mother for any of that. I was only 18 when she passed. It pains me everyday to not be able to pick up the phone to call her when the boys have a milestone, or I am just having a bad day.

All I could do after he told me that was cry. I mean these are my memories. Pictures, wedding dress, nic nacs that were hers, that are my memories of growing up. Closure. That is the big thing. Closure.

In the next few weeks after we move, and my father gets all that stuff packed up and sent over to me, and we get settled into the new house... I will be adding a ton of new pictures up. Well, not new but new to you guys. Of me when I was little, pictures of my ancestors, pictures of Adam when he was tiny. Wow, God is good. Thank you Dad for giving me this closure. Thank you.