Thursday, August 13, 2009

You know...

It has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot of tension here at the Wilkinson house. I can't say that it all even boils down to one thing.... because it doesn't. It is a massive mountain of things that I don't have the faith to move, but I am getting there piece by piece, problem by problem.

You know I haven't even written about Cub@. I haven't gone back and written anything in my journal. I don't know if it is fear of bringing up the emotions again, or if it is that I don't have those emotions anymore?

My husband and I? Where do I begin? We have been on rocks that are on top of that massive mountain.... those rocks have been slipping slowly for the last year or so, but these past few weeks it has been a landslide. On both ends there is no communication. We bottle it up like a stinky old lady perfume, and when we let it out it lingers behind for days. This last time, it was still lingering. But we are slowly picking up those rocks from that grandiose landslide, and forming a new mountain together. As individuals, and as one. That is one main thing that the both of us need to work on. We don't have any inkling on who we are anymore. When we first met, we were so different from now. Relient K has a song called "Who I am Hates Who I've Been", and it so explains me at this current moment. I don't like the fact that I have been trying to be this perfect house wife, and mother. Yuck. I don't even like that word anymore. Mother. It sounds too "grown up". Yes, yes I know. "Kathleen you are 27 you know." I do know. But I also know that "This is no place to try and live my life". Not where I am right now. Not the way I feel. I am not the same person I was back then, back before the twinkies breached the storm doors and invaded my body for those short 27 weeks and 6 days. After that they were so sick, and I was sick. Mentally and physically I was pulled in so many directions. Kyle and I had no idea what to do. I had my faith, but it was hard sometimes when things got rough. Then months down the line they were released from this, and safe from that. Slowly weight was lifted from our shoulders. Some of it. We now know, not all of it. The boys are now 21 1/2 months old. They still have things wrong. Some things are just developmental things, others are bigger problems. That is a whole different post for a whole different day.

Kyle and I, we are making big strides. Both of us have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. Bahh! Wouldn't you after propelling down this mountain together, snowballing and making the mess even bigger? Individually we have our own goblins that we are facing. He has had a lot go on in the past that he has been masking, and so have I. But the both of us have masked it in different ways. We both have become different people and we don't like the fact that we have become those people. Neither one of us has had a true identities in a long time.

Identity -
1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions: The identity of the fingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was the killer.
2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: He doubted his own identity.
3. condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is: a case of mistaken identity.
4. the state or fact of being the same one as described.
5. the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.
6. exact likeness in nature or qualities: an identity of interests.
7. an instance or point of sameness or likeness: to mistake resemblances for identities.

You know I didn't know that I don't have a true identity, until my husband and I talked about it at dinner a month or so ago. My husband is a wonderful man. I sometimes get intimidated when I get into conversations with him because of his big lofty words he uses. But that night, everything that he said to me, I heard. It all clicked. We clicked. It was amazing. By just talking we both found out (even though he has already know and been battling with it himself) that we share something very scary and annoying, but something that we can beat and come out on top together, and be an even better, wonderfully happy married couple afterward. Neither one of us have an identity anymore. I have not had one since I was 15 (when I first started dating my ex), and he said to be honest he is not sure when he lost his. So that is a big thing that we both are working on. Another, we never took the chance to become friends first. So now, we get the chance to be friends, learn more about one another, get all mushy and love each other more for our differences. I don't know about him, but I am excited! This past month I have been working up to write this post. I am not too sure on why it was so hard for me to write. But tonight I was ready to let it all out, get it all out, rip it out remove it (that one's for you Kevin). I am glad. My heart is getting happier by the day. What I am searching for is coming. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. - James 1:2-3