Response from my mother

February 6, 2002

I love you too, but now I have to go.
I will miss you so much; I just had to let you know.
Please be strong for me and have the courage to move on.
And whenever you see a sun rise, every time you see a dawn,
Think of me and the love I had for you,
Because those feelings I had for you will always and forever be true.
I know I'm moving on to bigger and better things,
but it kills me inside to leave you, to know the pain it brings.
I'm sorry to say that it is out of your control,
and there is nothing you can do for me but pray for my loving soul.
So when tomorrow begins without me and a new day arises,
I won't be there to comfort you or give you any more surprises.
I won't be there to call you right when nine o' clock hits.
And when we hang up, I won't be able to hear you throw your fits.
I won't be there to make you cry or make you yell and laugh,
but in heart I will always be there with you, for an eternity and a half.
I will never hear you whine when from each other we must depart.
I won't ever hear you kick and scream or give me a sad remark.
You won't hear me say the one thing that is just right,
so please just let me know that you'll be able to make it through the night.
Promise me that you won't do anything you may regret,
and please keep me close to your heart, always remember me and never forget.
This pain that rests in my heart is too great for me to hold.
I'm sorry I have to leave you here lonely, sad, and cold.
The fact that I am leaving you is not at all by choice,
and I ask that you please never ever forget my voice.
So all of the love that you gave to me, I won't be there to give again.
Even though you are my daughter, you were always my best friend.
In the back of your mind always rests the fact that I am gone,
but in the front should be that fact that nothing can break our bond.
Almost all the time I will see you lonely, with a tear,
because as we say goodbye right now, we are facing our greatest fear.
But from time to time when I look down on you, you will show a lovely smile.
If only I could be there with you once again, if only for awhile.
I still have so much more I want to do, and so much more to say,
but this is the last time I will see you, and together, this is our last day.
I know I have to leave you without a single trace,
which is why I can't control these tears that are falling from my face.
There is no easy way to end this, so over and over I cry.
And the one word that must pass my lips right now is the one word known as goodbye...

Make sure you are where you want to be with everyone you care about because you never know when they'll be gone...hope something good comes out of this...

Dear Jesus

The way you do things sometimes makes me feel things I’ve never felt...
I feel so close to you when you tell me things, that it's hard not to break down wherever I am at the time...
just the slightest glimpses that you give me of yourself has made me fall so deeply and madly in love with you over the years of precious life you have given me...
I know my words will never truly express how amazing your love is, but I just want to scream about you sometimes to the world...
I’m sick of walking on eggshells and being politically correct about you...

YOU are my friend

my Father

my Savior

my Lord

my Master

my Creator

my Rock

my everything...why should I have to sit quiet because I don’t want to offend somebody, when really I could be saving them?
in most ways, you are more real to me than the friends and family I see everyday...
sometimes I feel bad because I talk to so many other people in this world instead of spending time with you...
I’m so sorry for anything and everything I’ve ever done against you...
please help me be a light to those in need of one...
you alone are enough for me, and the fact that I have breathing lungs, a beating heart, a mind that understands, and a soul to do with what I please makes me so thankful to be in your presence right now...

thank you for blessing me with today...

thank you for my friends...

thank you for my laughs...

thank you for my family...

thank you for my talent...

thank you for my husband that I haven't married yet, keep him safe and close to you...

thank you for my kids...for making sure they have 10 fingers and 10 toes...

thank you for my conscience...

thank you for my purpose...

thank you for my humor...

thank you for my life...

when I think about 60 or even 80 years of life on earth compared to an infinite one with you, I don’t see a point in staying here...but I know what you want me to do here, God...
help me to NEVER lose sight of why it is that I am here...
now I know why I sing all the time...thank you!
and to anyone else who is reading this right now, I realize I posted this for you to see, but I don't want ANYONE to comment this...I don’t need to hear what you have to say about it (positive or negative) because I didn’t write it in order to hear responses...I wrote it because I felt the need...I can’t explain it...I just felt it was right...if you were inspired in any way, then why would you thank me anyways? Thank the one who TRUE inspiration comes from right now!
I love you, Jesus and anyone else who is reading this...truly...

I am awake

I woke up suddenly and unexpectedly. I blinked a few times, indiscriminately and wiped the sleep from my childlike eyes. I espied a place I had never seen before. It was, without a doubt, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life. I saw, in every direction, and as far as my weary eyes could see, the most brightly colored and rich, green grass, the most amazingly vivid blue sky, and the most scattered, yet perfectly placed, hue of various flowers, the names of which I could only assume were too long and tiresome to remember. Now, considering the fact that I had clearly never seen this place before in my life, and also considering the fact that I do not typically fall asleep in large, open grasslands, you can see how it was not out of the ordinary that I might feel the need to question why or how I got here. But no, I hadn't the slightest intention of questioning my existence here for fear that it would be stripped of me, and I was most certainly not ready to leave yet. Not without taking it all in.

This place was unlike any place on earth, and although I had never been to every place on earth, I was still confident that there was none like this. I am sure that there were many places that looked similar enough in physicality and color, but there was something deeper about this place. It had love for me. It never admitted it to me, but it didn't have to because it was plain as day. A gentle breeze poked my sternum and dared me to fall back. I obliged, and I did so with my eyes closed, cheeks spread with smiles, and my arms wide leaving my heart free for the taking. As I fell I could only relate the time it took to fall to lifetimes, not seconds, minutes, hours, or days. I didn't care to doubt my soft landing because how can this place let me be hurt? It wasn't possible for such a kind heart which this place kept safe and buried in its chest. I will feel its beat and dance to it soon enough, singing softly and beautifully as I do so.

This place lifted each and every blade of green grass to embrace me as I landed and snuggled with the earth. I was cradled like a baby in this place. So in love with something that I couldn't necessarily squeeze or understand, but that was okay because I had faith. It read my mind well, this place did. When I would shiver, it shone its sun on my naked body and clothed me in love and warmth. When I would sweat, it would mail short soft breezes riding on each other until they swirled around me enough times to cool me down. There was no room for insecurities here.

I almost needn't ever open my eyes to see the beauty of this place, because sometimes the blind are the only ones who can see. I didn't have to look at its colors or textures. All I had to do was lay in trust.

I would count the days until I can truly meet "this place," but what's the point when time is not an issue to me? Time is just a way for the pessimist to assign complaints to dates and spread his pessimism, which is why I believe God works not in time, but in love. And although we need time, as it is our template for understanding our world, I feel it doesn't hold meaning when compared to the true beauty of the heart. I'm so sick of waiting for time to come around and grant me my wishes. This place is so much to me. I won't let time interfere, nor will I let distance, because distance doesn't exist when I'm here in this place. The aestheticism of this place is not comparable to anything I have ever seen, touched, heard, smelled, or tasted. This place was made for me and I, it. Here, I am home and I don't have to wait on time to do its dirty work. No...In this place, time is the one who shall wait.

It seems the whole while I was asleep; this place was awake thinking of me. Wishing for me. Shaping itself to fit me, so that I can now say, "I belong here with you."

Being a mother means so much when you see the love in their eyes

If you would of asked me a year ago where I would see myself 5 years from now, I would of probably said something along the lines of being in school trying to figure out what I want to do with my life still, while trying to juggle time with Kyle and Adam, church, family and work. Never in a million years did I think I would be spending my time at Children's Hospital watching my twin boys struggle for their lives. I remember telling my Pastor that I was pregnant, and them him responding with how we were doing this all back asswards. (ugh I owe the jar .25 cents.) Kyle and I are not married. We do have plans I suppose to get married, but that is so far on the back burner right now. We have these two beautiful little men who look at us with such innocent trusting eyes. But some days it is so hard to believe they are mine. There is a bond that is not there just yet even though I hold them almost everyday. It is unreal to me. Hard to grasp. God chose us to be the parents of these little gifts. Why? Because God gives us the things we can handle, and He says we can handle this. It is hard on the days like today when my doctor says I am over doing it. He says I need to rest. How can I rest when I have these two lives I need to be with every waking moment? I feel like I am failing as a mother for one because they need someone else to care for them. Not only that but now I have to rest? I thought I had been resting. Sleeping in, going to bed at reasonable hours. Doctor meant resting as in stay home all day, don't go see them. Depression runs deep in my veins, it has for many years. I feel myself going to that place again deep in my veins. I have a wonderful life now. A wonderful caring man by my side who is caring enough to know that being a stay at home mom is best for not only our 3 beautiful children, but for me as well. I get to give Adam the mother he has missed for the last 7 years drowning in work and worry. But then I have to rest, and here rises the worry again from the dreary place in my head. My little men are in good hands I know. God's hands. So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel the need to sulk? It is that nasty stuff in my veins again that is lurking closer to the surface. Lord I ask you to help grab me out of the muck and the meir, I am there yet again.

For you I tremble

tears flooding in a release

the darkest of dark

the cutters and burners of self

to force one tear to drop for a moments peace

perhaps an hour the birds will sing music play children laugh

then the terrible darkness returns again again again

the pain almost a friend but not

journey made light by carrying another's burden

those who escape this world of pain from the darkest of the dark

are they still prisoners?

does God wipe away their tears?

tell me of the beauty you see?

hoping to make me stay
powerless to leave
flowers cut and placed on the table
for him
for you I tremble