Thursday, November 15, 2007

Being a mother means so much when you see the love in their eyes

If you would of asked me a year ago where I would see myself 5 years from now, I would of probably said something along the lines of being in school trying to figure out what I want to do with my life still, while trying to juggle time with Kyle and Adam, church, family and work. Never in a million years did I think I would be spending my time at Children's Hospital watching my twin boys struggle for their lives. I remember telling my Pastor that I was pregnant, and them him responding with how we were doing this all back asswards. (ugh I owe the jar .25 cents.) Kyle and I are not married. We do have plans I suppose to get married, but that is so far on the back burner right now. We have these two beautiful little men who look at us with such innocent trusting eyes. But some days it is so hard to believe they are mine. There is a bond that is not there just yet even though I hold them almost everyday. It is unreal to me. Hard to grasp. God chose us to be the parents of these little gifts. Why? Because God gives us the things we can handle, and He says we can handle this. It is hard on the days like today when my doctor says I am over doing it. He says I need to rest. How can I rest when I have these two lives I need to be with every waking moment? I feel like I am failing as a mother for one because they need someone else to care for them. Not only that but now I have to rest? I thought I had been resting. Sleeping in, going to bed at reasonable hours. Doctor meant resting as in stay home all day, don't go see them. Depression runs deep in my veins, it has for many years. I feel myself going to that place again deep in my veins. I have a wonderful life now. A wonderful caring man by my side who is caring enough to know that being a stay at home mom is best for not only our 3 beautiful children, but for me as well. I get to give Adam the mother he has missed for the last 7 years drowning in work and worry. But then I have to rest, and here rises the worry again from the dreary place in my head. My little men are in good hands I know. God's hands. So why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel the need to sulk? It is that nasty stuff in my veins again that is lurking closer to the surface. Lord I ask you to help grab me out of the muck and the meir, I am there yet again.