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Thursday, December 6, 2007

Thinking...

So now there is a new tattoo show... it is called London Ink. Now that makes 3. L.A. Ink and Miami Ink being the other 2. In watching these shows I listen to the guests who are getting tattoos done, and they explain why they are getting these tattoos and what they represent. The first time I was inked was a spur of the moment thing... a few friends were getting one done and I happened to be there and thought "Hey this is a good idea". Well it being a basement job and not very well thought out that made for a dangerous mix. Then there was someone who was not happy with the fact that I got a tattoo. I was made to start getting a laser treatments to get it removed. OUCH! I have only had one treatment and now it is a faded grayish blue color and not very attractive. Not that it was very attractive to begin with.


I thought when I got it "Oh how cute it is a fairy and she is sitting... I can have her sit on my shoulder." UGH stupid teenager. Ink is supposed to be permanent.

I plan on getting it covered with this a portrait.....

Of my mother. This is very fitting, since she is the one that is really sitting on my shoulder, my guardian angel.

I miss you mom. Yesterday was a pretty hard day. It was 7 years to the day from when you had your aneurysm. That was the day my heart started to drop. My feelings started to go away. When my hatred set in. I became a person I never wanted to be. I was mean to everyone around me, I blamed God. I blamed myself. What if I would of left him like you told me to? Would you of not been so stressed, and possibly not gotten sick? Why did it take me 8 years to realize what he had become? I constantly thought "Did I create this monster? Am I the reason he has so much hatred?".

But, mother if I would of left him years ago, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have Kyle, I wouldn't have these two beautiful men, Adam wouldn't be the man he is becoming. I wouldn't have God in my heart. God was the one who made me realize I was not the one who made him a monster, I am not the reason he has so much hatred. The devil is the reason. His lack of faith is the reason. Not me...... not me.

2 comments:

Erin said...

You're right, that would be a really hard day. I'd be missing my mom like crazy. And you're also right, him being angry and destructive like that has nothing to do with you and everything to do with this being a fallen world. I'm glad you know that, and know that you are beautiful and kind and nurturing and blessed and forgiven and redeemed and so very, very loved by God and me and Tonni and Kevin and Kyle and all these other crazy, beautiful people in your life.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

Our God is an awesome God. I am so grateful to Him that He has opened your heart and your eyes...