I just needed to vent....

I am tired of family/friends/strangers etc... telling me to just get over the fact our boys were premature.

Ummm - at what age of their growth did I stop being a preemie mom? Who waved the magic wand and took away all the fears of my children dying before I could see them, and once born the terror of falling in love in case they died -- being able to only touch a hand, denied the right to even change a diaper! Bathing in a cup, pumping until I thought Daisy the Cow had nothing on me -- learning medical skills, terms and mind mazes that would boggle the mind of a second year medical student, passing through the locked doors of NICU like a visitor to a prison.

At what age did those experiences NOT happen?

Yes, the babies are older now -- but what about this first year? The endless appointments, OT, PT, ST -- jumble the alphabet, you'll come up with a medical appointment...

And then what about the following years -- every little milestone passed causes a release of long held breath that this was one more 'normal' (there's that horrible word again!) baby thing

Our twins were born early -- that makes me a preemie mom -- and just because our babies are older doesn't change their birthdate -- time will sooth the terror, lack of sleep will blur the details --

I wear this title with honor -- because us moms know it represents a battle of epic proportions waged not only with medical personal, annoying nurses, insensitive (stupid) family members and 'friends' with both feet in their mouths -- it represents all the internal struggles we went through, and fought and perhaps are still fighting --

I wear this title with honor - because when someone says 'they're older now, get over it' or 'just be thankful they're here' I can smile inside and know with certainty that I know better than most others what it's like to face sickness, and death and pass through the valley and come out the other side --

I wear this title with honor - because that's our birth story and there is no reason to apologize for an experience that no sane person would willingly choose, even for their worst enemy.

I wear this title with honor - because I know when I hear about babies being born early my heart aches and I cry for those parents and I am capable of a compassion that very few others even know is necessary.

And face it -- they'll always be our babies -- and when they're 56 they'll probably still be asking for allowance and to borrow the brand new car.

roses and smoke

So I sit here smelling dead roses and cigarette smoke, let me explain. I had randomly went to my Uncle Fred's house after church today, and as i was turning down Hopkins Avenue I saw a huge white truck in his driveway. There were Billy, Charlie, and my Dad (step dad Jim) starting to unload my mommy's stuff. I turned the corner to park on Allison and walk over. I saw Rose on the porch and said did I come at a bad time and she said "Nope.". So I started to walk over and I hear "Kathy" It was my Dad. He said "This is everything but her wedding dress I forgot her wedding dress. But I will drop it back off." I burst into tears, how couldn't I? These are things I have not seen in the better part of 7 years. Nic nacs, photo's oodles and oodles of photo's! I have no idea where to start, I just keep looking at it all, and I burst into tears. It might take me a few days to start going through it. The cedar chest my bio father made for her for their wedding was amongst one of the biggest things. It is plum full of pictures as well. Boxes of her Indian plates and nic nacs, my color guard flags still on the poles, they are tattered and torn but still my memories. There is a bag full of Adam's baby clothes and blankets that were over at her house. Memories.... so many memories. Here is the kicker.... He had her cedar chest and the rocker that she had bought when we told her I was pregnant with Adam so she could rock him in when he came but he had already unloaded the boxes into my car... so instead of leaving the stuff at Fred's he said he would just follow me and bring all the big stuff to my house. TO MY HOUSE, where my family lives. They followed me here, I called Kyle on the way in tears ( I am not sure how I drove home as blurry as I vision was) and told him to get dressed that my Dad was coming over to drop off my mommy's stuff. Kyle calmly said "Ok Baby I will see you in a few minutes.". A few minutes later we pull up and Kyle walks down and shakes everyone's hands and introduces himself. He shook my dad's hand, and I am not sure if it will be the last time or not. But I do know I have my memories, I have my memories back.

This is the chest my bio father made for my mom for her wedding gift. It is plum full of pictures of my past and my children's only way of knowing my mother.

It costs how much?

SO today I finally went to the doctors. I have been putting of going to an actual family doctor for a few years now. I have been depending on my OB-GYN to do everything since I am so comfortable with him. But I have found the best family practice doctor! I am going to Trinity Family Medicine. I am seeing Doctor Angela Tucker. She was very nice, very welcoming and she listened. I had a lot to cover with her since I had not been to see anyone in quite some time. She has decided to put me back on zoloft, and has given me some names to some psychologist/councilors. She was not able to test me for Diabetes today since I had eaten breakfast. So I go back in 4 weeks to see how well the zoloft is working and that morning I have to fast so she can do blood work. She says a lot of the fatiguing I have is from depression. I thought I was cleared from the depression. UGH. So hopefully things will start getting a little less stressful, she said I have a lot of stressers. She also put me on Imitrex. She wants to put me on a preventative medicine for my migraines, but she doesn't want to start anything until after my 4 week check in with the zoloft. BTW the pills are $27.22 a piece! I can only get 9 at a time since my insurance doesn't like to cover them very often or too many in quantity.

Planning.....

Lots and lots of planning... as in wedding..... :O

Waiting on the World to Change

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything is going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it

So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It’s hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
When you trust your television
What you get is what you got
‘Cuz’ when they own the information ooohhh,
They can bend it all they want

So while we're waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
It's not that we don't care
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change

(Guitar solo)

We're still waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
One day our generation
Is gonna rule the population

So we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Know we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
we keep on waiting (waiting)
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change
Waiting on the world to change

It's not easy being green...

So I have planted my first vegetable and herb garden without my mother. It has taken me 7 years to get to the point of wanting to do one without her. I bought these little greenhouses from Meijers and I am pretty excited. I have 4-5 differnt kinds of peppers, cucumbers, cilantro, chives, lavender, radishes, onions, and mammoth sunflowers. So we will see how it goes... they are being raised from seeds.... I will update everyone on my progress :)

GUESS WHO CAUGHT THE BOUQUET!!!

So tonight was Angie and Brad's wedding! Angie is Leonard's step sister. Since that side of the family still thinks of me as family lol, I was invited. I took Adam with me since Kyle had to work. The wedding was amazing! Julie made all of the flowers with silk flowers! Took her 6 months but what a great idea! There was one big bouquet that was made up of 6 small bouquets. So when she threw it it divided into 6 bouquets! I was one of the luck gals who caught one... so now Kyle the pressure is really on!!


I am in the middle wearing the bright green shirt... you can see one of the bouquets falling into my hands <3


This is Angie (Leonard's step sister) and I after I caught one of the bouquets.

It truely was an amazing wedding! I can't wait for my time to come....

Frugal Beautiful Kitten & Family

So as of yesterday our dryer has been retired for a month. We did have to break him out twice though :( Once for a bra that I had to wear that same day, and the other was yesterday. I had already filled the lines we had up, but still had our whites in the washer. Bad planning on my part. But Kyle and I had already talked about putting up more line just for this reason. So in the storm I went out and grabbed more line, and more clothes pins. But DUH I didn't have any hooks! I was not about to go back out so we just threw the stuff in the dryer. We did break down on Monday and turned on our AC, but it has been set on 76, and it is nice and cool in here so we will see how well it does in the up coming weeks.

Adam and I have a wedding we are attending on Saturday. If you can follow, it is Leonard's step mom's daughter's wedding. So Leonard's step sister's wedding. I am still pretty close with his dad's side of the family and since Kyle can not get off that night, Adam will be going. Which is great because then he gets to see his only grandpa and the rest of that side of the family.

Speaking of family, my Aunt Brenda from Tennessee will be up this Saturday as well. So before noon we will be going down to my Uncle Fred's house to visit and she can meet Kyle and the boys. She is going to a wedding anniversary for some one in the extended family and she will also be taking my grandma's ashes back home with her. Yep, we are playing pass the Grandma :)

HA! Speaking of passing... how about how time is passing us by? The boys are 8 months old today! Pretty soon we will be celebrating their first birthday! Tomorrow the early intervention lady will be coming to the house to their final evaluation and to have me finish up some paperwork that way we can get things started. I am pretty excited in how well they are doing, but they are no where near where they are supposed to be. On every exciting thing is today Aiden started mocking us when we say dada. He says it very very loud and with such enthusiasm even though he has no idea what he is saying lol. I will leave you with a picture <3

Can you guess who is who?

You know....

It has been kind of weird around here lately... and things aren't really getting done... But I think I like it <3