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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I just needed to vent....

I am tired of family/friends/strangers etc... telling me to just get over the fact our boys were premature.

Ummm - at what age of their growth did I stop being a preemie mom? Who waved the magic wand and took away all the fears of my children dying before I could see them, and once born the terror of falling in love in case they died -- being able to only touch a hand, denied the right to even change a diaper! Bathing in a cup, pumping until I thought Daisy the Cow had nothing on me -- learning medical skills, terms and mind mazes that would boggle the mind of a second year medical student, passing through the locked doors of NICU like a visitor to a prison.

At what age did those experiences NOT happen?

Yes, the babies are older now -- but what about this first year? The endless appointments, OT, PT, ST -- jumble the alphabet, you'll come up with a medical appointment...

And then what about the following years -- every little milestone passed causes a release of long held breath that this was one more 'normal' (there's that horrible word again!) baby thing

Our twins were born early -- that makes me a preemie mom -- and just because our babies are older doesn't change their birthdate -- time will sooth the terror, lack of sleep will blur the details --

I wear this title with honor -- because us moms know it represents a battle of epic proportions waged not only with medical personal, annoying nurses, insensitive (stupid) family members and 'friends' with both feet in their mouths -- it represents all the internal struggles we went through, and fought and perhaps are still fighting --

I wear this title with honor - because when someone says 'they're older now, get over it' or 'just be thankful they're here' I can smile inside and know with certainty that I know better than most others what it's like to face sickness, and death and pass through the valley and come out the other side --

I wear this title with honor - because that's our birth story and there is no reason to apologize for an experience that no sane person would willingly choose, even for their worst enemy.

I wear this title with honor - because I know when I hear about babies being born early my heart aches and I cry for those parents and I am capable of a compassion that very few others even know is necessary.

And face it -- they'll always be our babies -- and when they're 56 they'll probably still be asking for allowance and to borrow the brand new car.

6 comments:

erin richardson said...

love you.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

No wonder you feel in a funk!! It's a bit okay, A LOT calous for anyone to tell you that!! Who is it???? I'll beat 'em up for you!!!

Mommakitten said...

WHOA! Everyone, that is my pastor's wife threating to beat people up!

Tracy said...

Hugs...

CBRushing said...

my girls were micro preemies too. AndI feel the same way. I hate that I can't help but notice that my twins are 14 months old and I'm babysitting a 4month old who is BIGGER than them! I too will always be a preemie mom. I can completely relate! (Thanks for the comments by the way, look forward to learning more about your family)

snelson's said...

oh honey -- i'm sorry you're getting those comments. i get them sometimes, too, but that's when i turn and walk away. abby, nate, and aiden will ALWAYS be preemies and we'll ALWAYS be over-protective of them. and mom's who haven't walked our shoes won't know even the tiniest bit of the trauma we went through and still go through on a daily basis!!

hugs, mama!!! youare loved!!!