Yeah! Party!

There is nothing like a 5 day long party! Here is another one for you all! http://arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-5-of-our-blog-party.html

I hope that everyone remembers what they are truly Thankful for today.

In Him,

I love this blogging Party!

This wonderful woman is having another day to party! There are so many things to celebrate, and here is another one, A family is working very hard to bring home a very cute little boy with severe CP. http://www.jeremiahspromisejohn1418.blogspot.com/

Here is the party: http://arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-4-of-our-blog-party.html

Another Party!

I am so loving these parties, even if I don't win, to hear the stories, and to find the new blogs, and the items I am able to purchase to help out families is so awesome in itself!

http://arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/2009/11/day-3-of-our-blog-party.html

Giveaway!!!

Have you been to the blog party yet at http://www.arewethereyetla5.blogspot.com/? It a party to celebrate family, and everyone loves to celebrate families, and I know you love to have parties!

Grateful

Right along with Thanksgiving, can we just skip it all together this year? I have just not been in the spirit at all. When my favorite music station started paying non Christ bearing Christmas carols 2 weeks before Christmas, I just wanted to crawl in a dark hole until the day after Christmas. I have so much to be thankful for, but there are a lot of things plaguing me as well. My days are spent much differently now. I am running a pretty tight ship, but I feel like I am going to fall over board some evenings after the boys go to bed... Father, if I trust You for my eternal salvation, why don't I trust You for my daily needs? Instill in me the peace that comes from casting all my cares to You. Help me wake up to saying this is a new day, I am rejoicing it, and going to bed being grateful for the day that I have had with You, and with my family Father.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

It has been over 2 months since Adam has picked up his guitar. Even when we said if you don't start practicing again, we will sell the guitar, and we will keep the profit. He jut shrugged his shoulders. His grades are great, he came home with straight A's on his report card, I wouldn't of thought he would get less, but he did. He hasn't been doing chores, which we had told him that if he didn't want to do chores, then he was not allowed to do the things that he was allowed to do when he was doing his chores. With responsibility comes flexibility in the fun stuff. He has regressed. I know why. We know why. It makes me sad. I know ways to change it... but it is the way I choose to change it I am not sure about.

God here I go again, I am placing this one, alongside my problems and flaws I have already placed in your large, loving, already heavy hands.

Matthew 11: 28-30 (28) Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (29) Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. (30) For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I need to repeat this verse in my head a lot lately. I also have been told that I need to be the window into God's world. It is just hard, when I feel like that window locked, there is duct tape on the windows so the panes won't shatter, and boarded up so my winds won't gush through. Thank you for telling me that though, thank you for giving me that push, and giving me the eyes to see that I need to be that window...you know who you are. I will keep my winds blowing like a hurricane, and I will break through.

Going Green take 2

This past week has been a hit! I have been soda free! The rest of the house... well that will be a big step when they decide to join me on that wonderful part of this journey.

We have been using cloth napkins at dinner time. I have not had to replace the paper towel roll at all his past week, and it is only half gone, so that makes me happy.

I can honestly say that I LOVE to hang dry my clothes! It keeps me on my toes with my laundry! I have to plan the laundry out. I have to make sure I keep up on it, because it is not like I can just throw a load in the wash and then just dry it really quick (well I can, but I am choosing not to use the dryer, he is retired again).

Lights have been out! Everyone has been doing their part to make sure that the lights are turned off when they leave the room, or if we are eating dinner, the tv is off. It is nice.

As for driving... well there has not been much of that going on for me since my van is almost on it's way to the morgue unless my dear husband can figure what is going on with my engine. His Subaru is once again in his garage and being worked on until late hours of the night. The Jeep... well... it is "working".

Everyone is very much so doing their part to recycle like it's nobody's business!

Cold water is being used for washing, I am even thinking of making my own dishwashing liquid... but that is a whole new post!

I have not found the mesh bags for our veggies... so I am still on the hunt... I have found a few web-sites, but they are so pricey. So the ones we have had to use from the grocery, we are using to throw diapers away in.

So, so far so good! I am proud of myself, and my family! Carbon footprint, eat our dust!

Going green take 1

So I have decided to take it upon myself to lighten the carbon footprint that my family is leaving. I have a list that I am starting, to improve our footprint... to make it slowly fade... I hope.

The biggest thing this weekend was cloth napkins. DH wasn't too sure about how I was going to keep up on it, but I am willing to give it 110%!

No soda. No soda for me at least, which means that I will not be omitting Co2 from all of the soda I would normally be drinking. http://www.breathingearth.net/

Hanging em up to dry! I have retired my dryer again, and boy is he happy! He will only be put to use when something needs fluffed, and that will be a rare occasion.

Turning off the lights when we leave the room, and making sure that the appliances are un-plugged if they are not being used, or they are on energy save.

I have put a bottle filled with water with some rocks in the bottom of the bottle, in the tank to my toilet to help conserve the water. It will help us save about 10 gallons a day in water just by me putting that bottle there.

Instead of driving over to get DH's coffee in the morning, I will be walking. The same with going over to Walgreens for anything that is needed, which is two blocks away.

My recycling has gone WAY up. I usually skimp, and if I get lazy and I don't want to wash out the can of soup or milk jug, I just toss it. Instead I am leaving it in the sink, and I do it when I do the dishes.

I have been using cold water in my wash instead of warm or hot water, and making sure that I always have a whole load of laundry to do instead of just 3/4 of a load.

No more plastic water bottles are going to be purchased for our household. We have quite a few reusable water containers, and those will be used, unless the older boys want to reuse their precious plastic water bottles.

No more, "Paper or Plastic?" I am sticking to using my bags. I paid for them, why not use them! If for what ever reason I have purchased so much at the store that day and I can not for everything into my 10 bags, well then I will use paper, since I can recycle them.

My next stop... I am looking for some mesh bags to put my fruits and veggies in to transfer from store to home, instead of using the plastic bags at the store... Any ideas on which website to start at?

You know...

It has been a while since I have posted. There has been a lot of tension here at the Wilkinson house. I can't say that it all even boils down to one thing.... because it doesn't. It is a massive mountain of things that I don't have the faith to move, but I am getting there piece by piece, problem by problem.

You know I haven't even written about Cub@. I haven't gone back and written anything in my journal. I don't know if it is fear of bringing up the emotions again, or if it is that I don't have those emotions anymore?

My husband and I? Where do I begin? We have been on rocks that are on top of that massive mountain.... those rocks have been slipping slowly for the last year or so, but these past few weeks it has been a landslide. On both ends there is no communication. We bottle it up like a stinky old lady perfume, and when we let it out it lingers behind for days. This last time, it was still lingering. But we are slowly picking up those rocks from that grandiose landslide, and forming a new mountain together. As individuals, and as one. That is one main thing that the both of us need to work on. We don't have any inkling on who we are anymore. When we first met, we were so different from now. Relient K has a song called "Who I am Hates Who I've Been", and it so explains me at this current moment. I don't like the fact that I have been trying to be this perfect house wife, and mother. Yuck. I don't even like that word anymore. Mother. It sounds too "grown up". Yes, yes I know. "Kathleen you are 27 you know." I do know. But I also know that "This is no place to try and live my life". Not where I am right now. Not the way I feel. I am not the same person I was back then, back before the twinkies breached the storm doors and invaded my body for those short 27 weeks and 6 days. After that they were so sick, and I was sick. Mentally and physically I was pulled in so many directions. Kyle and I had no idea what to do. I had my faith, but it was hard sometimes when things got rough. Then months down the line they were released from this, and safe from that. Slowly weight was lifted from our shoulders. Some of it. We now know, not all of it. The boys are now 21 1/2 months old. They still have things wrong. Some things are just developmental things, others are bigger problems. That is a whole different post for a whole different day.

Kyle and I, we are making big strides. Both of us have been diagnosed as clinically depressed. Bahh! Wouldn't you after propelling down this mountain together, snowballing and making the mess even bigger? Individually we have our own goblins that we are facing. He has had a lot go on in the past that he has been masking, and so have I. But the both of us have masked it in different ways. We both have become different people and we don't like the fact that we have become those people. Neither one of us has had a true identities in a long time.

Identity -
1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions: The identity of the fingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was the killer.
2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another: He doubted his own identity.
3. condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is: a case of mistaken identity.
4. the state or fact of being the same one as described.
5. the sense of self, providing sameness and continuity in personality over time and sometimes disturbed in mental illnesses, as schizophrenia.
6. exact likeness in nature or qualities: an identity of interests.
7. an instance or point of sameness or likeness: to mistake resemblances for identities.

You know I didn't know that I don't have a true identity, until my husband and I talked about it at dinner a month or so ago. My husband is a wonderful man. I sometimes get intimidated when I get into conversations with him because of his big lofty words he uses. But that night, everything that he said to me, I heard. It all clicked. We clicked. It was amazing. By just talking we both found out (even though he has already know and been battling with it himself) that we share something very scary and annoying, but something that we can beat and come out on top together, and be an even better, wonderfully happy married couple afterward. Neither one of us have an identity anymore. I have not had one since I was 15 (when I first started dating my ex), and he said to be honest he is not sure when he lost his. So that is a big thing that we both are working on. Another, we never took the chance to become friends first. So now, we get the chance to be friends, learn more about one another, get all mushy and love each other more for our differences. I don't know about him, but I am excited! This past month I have been working up to write this post. I am not too sure on why it was so hard for me to write. But tonight I was ready to let it all out, get it all out, rip it out remove it (that one's for you Kevin). I am glad. My heart is getting happier by the day. What I am searching for is coming. Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. - James 1:2-3

Cry Out to Jesus

What a song. It hits home in so many ways. Yesterday was Praise Team practice. Well every Thursday we normally have Bible Study. The twinkies had not had a nap, and only 3 of us were going to be at study so we went ahead and called it off. Also on Thursday's Adam has guitar lessons with Matt up at church while we have our Bible study. Adam still wanted to go to lessons, and I had to go to Meijers, and Katie said she didn't mind hanging here with the twinkies. So off we went. Matt didn't realize he had double booked himself with Praise Team practice and Adam's lessons. So since not everyone was there for practice yet, Matt went ahead and started with Adam. Well, Adam has not been practicing. Honestly Matt and I both think it is because he is afraid that if he learns to play to fast, that he will be up playing in front of church, and Adam is not one to be in the spot light like that. He likes to act like he likes to be in the spot light, but he has trouble with the actual performing in the spotlight when it becomes serious. But yesterday they were trying out a couple new songs for praise team.... One happens to be Cry Out to Jesus. I love the lyrics to this song:

To everyone who's lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there's nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right

Chorus

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He'll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith and love
They've done all they can to make it right again
Still it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you're not alone in your shame
And your suffering

Chorus

When your lonely (when you're lonely)
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight

Chorus

The beginning before the first chorus just gets me, I usually can't even sing it. It reminds me so much of my mom. Each time I hear this song. Last night, to hear this song over the system when Kevin played it, I was fighting back the tears. I had not heard that song in the church before. I had left for a while to go and visit my aunt and uncle so that everyone could practice. When I got back, everyone was finishing up. Matt was talking to me about how both of the songs that they were working on last night were 4 simple chords and him and Kevin both think that Adam could play them if he practices and gets up to speed. What a way to serve our Father! So, if and when it comes to that day that Adam is up in front of the church playing for the Lord our Father, and he plays this song. You better believe that I will be singing my heart out with tears of joy, and I know that my momma will too. I love you Adam, and I know you can do it if you keep at it!

Not without Love

Right now currently Jimmy Needham is on repeat on my Ipod. He has a way with words. Amazing way with words. He knows how to praise God for His goodness.

One of my favs, and it hits me everytime:

Not without Love: Benediction
I tried Lord
I tried Lord
I tried hard to be Your good little boy
Chin up, head high
All zeal and no joy
Thinking all my good deeds could please Jesus
Boy, was I wrong
Though I knew the right songs, all my cymbals and gongs played the melodies wrong
And it wasn’t long ‘til I saw my disease
A life spent wanting to please
On hands and knees
To make right, to appease
God help me please
This can’t be Christianity, it can’t be
The whole thing’s like insanity
Where’s the rest of eternal security?
Where’s the hope of a God big enough to cope with all my hang-ups and insecurities?
Certainly this isn’t breathing
My chest burning and heaving
It’s like my pulse is ceasing
Like my heart quits beating
Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope:
You died, Lord
You died, Lord
Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn, the Father’s love song goes on
Drowning out my bitter songs
And breaking through walls and barriers
Christ swoops in, removes sin, picks up His bride and carries her
So I can sing in agreement with the King this thing:
There’s only one thing that pleases the Father
The God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers
Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers
And I’m finally free in the love of the Father

Summer Goals

Well seeming as if the first day of summer was on Father's Day... I am a little late on posting this....

Have a yard sale - in which we will get rid of about 3/4 of our house, actually it is all "junk".

Make a compost bin and keep it going until the end of summer and then re-evaluate.

De-clutter the attic - that will also help when we have the yard sale.

Clean basement completely - again yard sale = clean basement.

2 date nights a month for Kyle and I - nothing snazzy, but we need to get out of the house together without doing chores and errands.

2 nights a months for Adam and I just to hang out without Kyle and the boys, and Adam gets to pick what we do.

Tithe every week, big or small.

Keep on track with my chore list.

Spend more quality time with my family.

Cut down drastically on our grocery bill.

Pick a few things I might want to major in.

Be more in my Bible whether it is reading, or listening, or having Bible study.

Take a mini-vaca with the family.

Read 2 new books.

Exercise/walk 2 days a week.

Be more aware of what I am eating and try to eat healthier.

Get my new tattoo with my friend - you know who you are :)

Organize my mothers pictures into albums or boxes.

Get rid/sell her nic nacs, I am not going to use them.

Organize and "move" into the house that we have been living in for way over a year now.

Blog at least once a week on both my blog and the boys blog.

Email/write my Cub@ family twice a week at least.

I will most likely add to this list. This list is probably more than I can handle. That is why they are goals.

When I finish a goal.. I will make a random post and you will see only that goal posted and it will be crossed out.

I knew this day would come...

I was in the dinning room helping Adam with is summer homework, and I heard Nate crying which is normal especially this week he has been super cranky. Then it kind of got quit and then I heard him start screaming again. I went to quietly walk in the living room to look into their bedroom, and I noticed that the box fan that I had put on their dresser was off (now i know I had it on because today I decided to turn off the ac during the days to try and conserve some energy). Well I poke my head further around the corner, and I saw that the fan was unplugged.... well then I thought maybe it fell... nope it was still on the dresser.... that is when I saw the ball fly across the room.... Nate climbed out of his crib tonight when he was supposed to be taking his evening nap. I knew it was only a matter of time. Goodness so now, this weekend we have to go and buy toddler beds.

Oi, it has been forever it seems

I am still alive everyone! I have just been busy. Actually that is just my way of saying I have been lazy. To be honest, on April 16th I became basically bedridden for almost a month. I had been battling a migraine that seemed to be the size of Russia. My previous PCP was not doing anything in the way of giving me any kind of relief, other than injecting me with a pain medication that only made me nauseous and dizzy. In turn, that made my migraine even worse. Finally after a little over 2 weeks she decided it time to refer me out to a neurologist. By that time I had decided it time find a new doctor. I am now seeing an amazing doctor whom within the first 5 min, not only asked me for my mother's medical records (since she had a history of migraines and also had a massive brain tumor upon her death), but he also personally made my neurology appointment. My neurologist ordered a mri and a mra scan, and both of those came back normal. SO he put me on two different medications to help dilate the blood vessels in my brain to keep the blood flowing so hopefully I will not run into having the migraines like I did during those gruling weeks. So... there will be more updates to come. I have plenty to tell. But for now, I am headed to bed :)

Resurrection Sunday

So today (yesterday), was Easter Sunday. The day that we celebrate the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.

This is what Wikipedia says the Easter Bunny is all about: "The Easter Bunny (or Easter Hare) is a mythical character depicted as an anthropomorphic rabbit. In legend, the creature brings baskets filled with colored eggs, candy and toys to the homes of children on the night before Easter. The Easter Bunny will either put the baskets in a designated place or hide them somewhere in the house for the children to find when they wake up in the morning. The Easter Bunny is very similar in trait to its Christmas holiday counterpart, Santa Claus, as they both bring gifts to good children on the night before their respective holiday." It was the ancient Roman Catholic church that mixed the celebration of Jesus' resurrection by celebrating spring fertility rituals, which is where the bunnies, chicks, and eggs come from. They did this to make Christianity more attractive to non-Christians.

It bothers me to read that. "They bring good gifts to good children on the night before their respective holiday." The boys grammie brought them baskets for Easter. Yes we did an egg hunt at my Uncle Fred's house. I think that these things are important for traditions, but my children and I will always know what Easter is really about. Jesus rose from the dead because he died for us on that magnificent cross so that we are promised an eternal life in Heaven if we accept Jesus as our Savior. If you haven't you should take some time and read 1 Corinthians 15. Verse 58 is a verse that I will repeat in my head until I go Home with my Father.

You can see the boys pictures from today on their blog

Mi hermano y hermana <3

Iradies and Liliana are two of the most beautiful, spiritual, loving people I have "met". You might be wondering why met is in quotations... well I have not met them in person yet. I get to finally meet them in July! We correspond often, and every time I get a new letter I get so excited and I get an overwhelming warm feeling, that feeling is the passion and love that we share for our Father.

Te amo mi hermano y hermana!

{God's Blogs}

I am adoring this book. I am almost done, and I have only set down twice in the past two days to read it (and you all know how busy my life is!).
With just finishing Reset, this book is a great continuance on that journey for me. It has reminded me that God truly wants us to know that He is our Daddy, and he cares about every aspect of our lives. Some of the "thoughts" that were written in the fiction blog were so funny I would laugh out loud for a few minutes after I read them. I can see God talking this way, to me, to you, to everyone He encounters. He is just as real as you and I are. Just because the old Bibles use the fancy words, doesn't mean we have to. God wants us to come as we are. Broken, tattooed, pierced, loved, scared, and humbled.

I am a sheep

Yes, you might feel like "something" or "someone" is pushing religion or Christianity on you. It's because there is. God is always guiding you, talking to you, and bringing you to decision making points of your life. Whether or not you chose to have the "personal" relationship with your Father or not, the guiding, the whispering in your ears, and directing is still going to happen. He is bringing you to that place where you can decide whether or not you are going to accept or reject what he has been whispering in your ears. I understand that the whispering at times can sound like screaming, but it is because He wants you to truly hear Him not just bypass Him like usual. I bet you hear Him more when your with me because I have chosen to try and surround myself with Him. But you could also be hearing Him from many other people, places, and even signs. God is like a t.v. station. If you don't tune in to that particular station, you won't be able to know what He is saying to you, it will just be static and a black and white screen.

John 10:27 - My sheep hear my voice. I know them, and they follow me.

You need to learn to distinguish what you are hearing. You know what you are hearing, you are just afraid to hear it, you’re ignoring it. I pray that you can finally hear Him. I pray that you can follow Him. I pray that you understand that He is not just a man made deity. I pray that you can understand that this is me, coming as I am, a sheep. That will never change.

Mark Harris - One True God
From the album Windows And Walls

I don't have a God I can put on a stand
Or a God I hold in the palm of my hand
I have a God that's holding me
And I don't have a God that I can create
In the place I live with the money I make
I have a God, He made everything
So I don't need a temporary man made deity
When I got the real thing
I got the real thing

He's the Lord of all the earth
The maker of all things
He alone is the one true God
Kingdoms rise and fall
But even through it all
He remains
The one true God

I don't have a thing that I got on my own
I don't have a care that I carry alone
But I have a God who's carrying me
I don't have sin that He doesn't forgive
And I don't have a heart that is worthy of His
But I have a God who still loves me
So I don't need a temporary man made deity
When I got the real thing
I got the real thing

Who is this King of Glory
The Lord strong and mighty
Who is this King of Glory
The Lord strong and mighty
Who is this King of Glory
Who is this King of Glory

¡Mi pasaporte!

(please don't mind the horrible mess my hair is in, or the redness of my eyes, I have been crying tears of joy)
Ok so I was in tears on Tuesday when I finally got my passport number. Today I am in tears because I finally have my passport in my hands! (¡Estoy hoy en rasgones porque finalmente tengo mi pasaporte en mis manos!)

God is good all of the time, all of the time God is good.

No More Wasted Days

Today has been one of those off days. You know what I mean? One where you want to lay in bed, but it is just too pretty to waste the day? It is one of those days that you should just go riding around in your car (or if your like me your mini van), and jam out to your favorite music while the kiddos "sing" along in the back seat and giggle while the wind blows all around the car. One of my favorite songs to really turn up loud and sing my heart out to right now is by Francesca Battistelli, it is called Free to Be Me. This song fits me to a T. Goodness. There are days I can sing this song and sing it loud and proud, and there are days like today where when i sing it, all I want to do is cry.

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war's already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can’t always see

(Chorus)
‘Cause I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
On my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt

(Chorus)

And you’re free to be you

Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and You tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it’s easy to believe
Even though

(Chorus)

I am the furthest thing from perfection, but God who is perfect seeks me. Me?

He has plans for me, and honestly right now even if those plans that He has made for me were staring me right in my face, I am not sure if I would see them. Those plans are going to be the most amazing plans, and they are going to knock my socks off! But, am I ready? Am I prepared for these plans? He will know when I am ready for them, but what if it is too late on my end?

I am still just a girl, just like the song says. Yes I have 3 God sent children, a loving husband, wonderful friends, but I am still just a kid. "Sometimes I believe that I can do anything
Yet other times I think I've got nothing good to bring", I am still trying to be Supermom. Yes, I am still battling with it and right now... and that demon is winning.

My jeans are ripped, and my fender has tons of dents. I keep driving off the path that He has laid down for me even though it is just a detour, because my windows are rolled down and my music is blaring and I am still trying to be the 20 year old that I never got to be. But I know that no matter how clumsy I am, and how dented my fender is He wants me to get right back on that path while riding on His shoulders. God will jam out with me, sing praises with me, and remind me that my husband can do the mechanic work to knock the dents back into place.

But the more I sit and mull about it, the more I remember He likes me the way I am. Ripped jeans, tattoos, horrible singing voice and all. When I come to Him during praise and worship with my horrible singing voice and I lift my hands to Him, I am humbled. I am giving my all to Him at that moment. But it should not stop there. It shouldn't stop just because I am having a bad day, or I am feeling sick. It should be more prevalent when I am having a bad day and I am feeling sick.

A couple of years ago when we started the prayer room at Grace, I wrote on the wall "No More Wasted Days", yet I am wasting all of my days not serving Him the way I should. We all are wasting our days if we are not serving Him to our fullest. So here is to a new beginning.

Mis familias en CubA

Yes, I have family in Cub@.
Roberto y Osmary, with their sons Dayan y Daniel.

I don't get to hear form them as often as I used to. But they are still mi familia.
Mi nueva familia en (my new family in) Cub@ es Liliana y Iraides, and their sons Iraidito y Alain Josue.

I get very emotional when I talk about my families in Cub@. They mean so much to me, even though I have not met them in person yet. There are no words to describe how strong our connection is even though we only talk through email and occasionally through a precious handwritten letter. We exchange pictures every so often, and I have sent a video to Roberto y Osmary once, and I received one back. I love watching that video. Their words are so kind, and filled with love.

This summer, I get to go to Cub@. I get to meet mis familias. But this has brought on so much anxiety, so much fear. I have no idea how to speak Spanish. I took 4 years of Spanish in High school. But one of those years doesn't really count since I failed, yes I failed Spanish 2 my sophmore year, and I had to retake it my junior year along with Spanish 3. Do I remember any of this beautiful language? Nope.. the only things I remember are simple colors, numbers, some foods, etc. Not to mention in the classes that I passed, I recieved a C- in Spanish 1, C+ in Spanish 2 (the 2nd time I had to take it), and then a D in Spanish 3. So this worries me. The words, I can so the words but when you through in irregular verbs, regular verbs, definite and indefinite articles etc... boy forget it. I know that we will have plenty of interpreter's and I will have my church family with me as well but I get overwhelemed with the thought of somehow I will not understand anything that anyone is saying. It has already happened to me here while meeting other people from different counteries at a friends house. It is a scary thing. So hopefully with the help of my therapist, and even more so God I can get through this.

As of lately..

Things have been different around here. I have been going through therapy, so has Kyle. It has been good don't get me wrong. But I feel so frazzled sometimes. I can snap at the drop of a hat at the silliest things. But my doctor says he has the right coarse of treatment for me. My anxiety has been kicking me in my tail. But he said with great confidence that was the easiest thing to take care of. I have been having more and more attacks in the past few weeks than I ever have before. But Kyle knows that he married the crazy housewife and he is still in love with me despite it all.

I need to learn that I am not Supermom. No matter how hard I try. I have 2 special needs kids that happen to be twins that are only 16 months old. I also have a 9 year old who is brilliant and wise beyond his years. I have a loving husband who works full time and goes to school full time. I can only be one person at a time, and I can only take it one minute at a time. I am slowly learning that.

But as of lately... I have learned that there is so much in His word that can help me. SO every morning I pray, as soon as I open my eyes. I pray all day long. I pray right before I go to bed. I pray sometimes even when I don't know why I am praying. Mostly I just talk to God. But it is good for my soul. It keeps me close to Him.

Hungry

Lord I am so hungry. Hungry for what is in your word. Hungry for what you have in store for me. I see my life before me, what has happened in the past. What is happening right now. What I am about to do. I am constantly stopping myself now, is it for You Father? It is so hard for me. To go from what I was to be a complete follower Lord. But I am so hungry. I don't think I have ever been so hungry. I opened my bible this morning after I woke up to see if Adam had school. No one else was awake but Adam and I. I opened it to 2 Corinthians 12:7 and I followed it through to verse 10.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Oh Lord you know me all to well. But that is what is so wonderful. God knows everything there is to know about you. There is nothing in this world that you can hide from him, no matter how hard you try. When we pray, we should be finding our way to God, not trying to get what we want from him each and every time we pray. Each one of us has a clean slate, because God has cast our sins as far as the East is to the West. He wants you to talk to Him. He wants you to know that he is there to be your best friend.
So Lord, thank you for letting me be hungry. Thank you Lord for making me realize that I am hungry. Lord, I hope that many others I know and that read this blog can be just as hungry as I am Father, because you are the bread of life. John 6:35
Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty."

Breaking free from our addictions

So lately I have been watching Joyce Meyer, if I cannot get that one on one time with my Bible. I came across a youtube link where she is talking about emotional healing but she said something that is sticking with me this week…….Trust requires that we have unanswered questions.–ugh…I am a momma I want know why it happened, how it works, what the conclusion will be, show me the outcome before I start…..its just me I like to KNOW!!! I am a tad OCD as you all that are close to me know. But I am not OCD about washing my hands, cleaning my house, reading my Bible, or seeking God, but about analyzing EVERYTHING….to a point that it becomes a complete sickness….but I have never thought that it was an addiction just how I was built.
BUT OMG I am addicted to over thinking, reasoning, analyzing….all those things and more. I am one of those people that does not retain information well, and when you say something and I have no clue what it is I will run to Google and find out everything I can about it. Just like with God I want to know everything I can. I am in the process of reading 3 different books, I love the Bible (I headed out yesterday to buy yet another one, The Message so I can understand it better), but with God he leaves us with a very few questions….so we will have to trust and have faith in Him for the rest of the story. For me it has been really hard to put all my trust in the things I don’t know or can’t see. I am just that kind of person. I have not had very trusting relationships in the past. I was talking with a good friend earlier and I told her I think that this is how God made me, He built me this way for a particular reason and no I don’t know why and never will but that's how I was built.
But Joyce answered my problem in that youtube video, she said – We don’t live by explanations we live by the promises of God. In the Bible there are millions of promises that God has made to each and every one of us. So now that I have an answer, a way to be free from my addiction I am going try - try my hardest to just read those promises and trust God.
God knows the whole story and as hard as it is for me to just sit back and read it before jumping to the end I am going go through each chapter one by one and quit trying to jump to the conclusion. Gods work is perfect and more than I can ever do and when or if He wants me to know he will reveal what He wants to my heart. With that I just want to pray for my addictions and yours too whatever they may be.
Gracious Father, Thank You for being the Awesome God full of promises that our minds cannot even imagine. Thank you Father that you give us all weak spots in our lives Lord because those weaknesses give us more reason to draw near to you because you Lord are Perfect and can heal us of our weakness, our addictions, and our sickness. Lord thank you that in Your healing You make us new and give us all a need and a stronger for You in our lives God. And Father I pray for those who are petrified to come onto you with fear that they are not worthy Lord I pray that they would see that You want us all Lord as we are because You will heal us and renew our broken spirits and put us back together just as You want us Father….. I pray that those who are scared to come to You would lay down there fear right now and ask you to break down that door into their hearts. I thank you Father each reader of this Blog that you would use it as a way to speak to the broken hearted and bring them into your love. AMEN

Grrr

So this round of blood work came up normal as well. I had my CT scan this morning, it was not as bad as I thought it would be (Thank you Amanda!). But I did have to get an IV, YUCK! I have been kind of out of it since Saturday... walking through my life just doing the pieces to get by... I can tell that I am slacking here around the house. Which does not help my depression at all. Pray... that is all I can do. Pray for answers.

More bloodwork and a CT Scan

So today I went in and with the full list of concerns the doctor did more blood work, including a red blood cell and white blood cell count. I am also scheduled to get a CT scan on Friday morning. Not only is she going to check for the intestinal issues, but I raised the concern of cancer. It runs so highly in my family that she agreed to rule me out for that uglyness as well. SO I should get the blood results back by Wednesday and the CT scan results by Monday the 19th. I will keep everyone updated as soon as I know anything.

Mis intestinos son muy confusos.

Jan 5th - My blood results came back completely normal?! The doctor is really confused. So she is going to call me back tomorrow with a scheduled time for an ultrasound.

Jan 7th - I go early tomorrow morning for my ultra sound...

Jan 8th - They did a full abdominal scan this morning - hooray for no babies lol. The radiologist will read the scans and I will here back in 24-48 hours. It was funny to go and not see little guys swimming around in my belly. But them scanning around looked so different than when they scanned me for the twins. It was all foreign.

Jan 9th - I got my results earlier this afternoon. I have had one of those down and out days so I have been laying down most of the afternoon/evening. The scan came back normal. The only concern is there is gas somewhere in my abdominal cavity. I had only talked to my doctors assistant so everything is pretty unclear. I go tomorrow at 11:30 to go over the results.

Jan 10th - So today I found out that the gas was not in my abdominal cavity. It is in my intestines. Predominantly and heavily on my right side. She is having me come in again on Monday so we can do more blood work. On the top of her mind right now is Inflammatory bowel disease. It refers to two main diseases, Ulcerative Colitis and Crohn's Disease. It would explain the constant pain and the stabbing pain when I move, diarrhea, why my GERD has gotten much worse, and fatigue. So hopefully we will find out no later than Wednesday if we can rule these two out or if this will be my fate. If these are not the problems, then she will do a CAT scan to see what is going on with my bowels. So thank you for your on going prayers. I greatly appreciate it.